Selective Service (The Draft)

When I legally changed my name and gender in May of 2010, the Minnesota DMV (like many other states) automatically registered me for with the selective service. The selective service is the list from which young men would be “drafted”.

As many of you are aware, transgendered status is something that the US military does not permit for inclusion in the armed forces on an open status. Upon discovery you can be charged with serious infractions such as “impersonating an officer”, etc.  Only recently have cis-gendered non-heterosexual people been welcomed into the armed forces.

Prior to that change, my lesbian status kept me from joining the armed forces willingly- which was unfortunate for them since it would have been through ROTC with a background in chemistry.  I got past it, and accepted that if the country’s leaders were too idiotic to include  group of people then there was no way for me to serve my country.

 

I could have attempted to be currently opted out of the selective service- but I have not for 2 quick reasons:

1. It is simplest from a paperwork standpoint for federal support (especially school aid) to be in the system, which is required for most federal aid programs.
2. it is a countrymen’s duty to be registered for the draft. I understand that as transmen some may feel unqualified to fight in the battlefield, but the nature of war is continually changing and I don’t support an all-encompassing “trans people don’t serve” or “trans people don’t get drafted” policy.  I hope that at some point the military is able to include transpersons that do not have any over-arching issues preventing effective service.

Coming Out to Elders

In the past week my paternal grandmother passed away at 89 years of age.  She lives several states away and we rarely saw each other.  So rarely, in fact, that she never knew that I dated women or that I transitioned. I have a lot of conflicting feelings about coming out to people that it doesn’t directly impact and who may be too ignorant of the respect that GLBT persons now demand (relative to previous decades).

There is a balance between the self-service of revealing a secret nearly last-minute to serve little gain… however it can upgrade a previous relationship based on partial truths and/or lies.  It’s never a pleasant experience to leave someone out of a significant portion of your life. Staying in contact becomes more and more difficult, the more ingrained and long-standing the truth becomes.

Shortly following my grandmother’s passing, my stepmother posted on facebook that heaven had gained another angel and that she was now looking down and watching all of us. I’m not trying to start a religious debate, but I’m fairly certain that after 10 seconds of looking down on me- my grandmother knew that she had been missing something.

Buck Angel and FTM Visibility

For starters, Buck Angel is one of the handful of largely successful transmen that comes across the US media. A member of the band The Cliks is an out transman as well as Cher’s son came out in the past 2 years.
What has drawn me to Buck, however, is also partially what makes him so hard to discuss and makes him highly contended within the FTM communities. For anyone unfamiliar, Buck Angel is a porn star with mostly gay films where he enjoys sex with non-op genitals.
To start- I’m not enthralled by gay porn. It feels like watching golf to me, I could take it or leave it, it’s just some people doing something that may or may not involve balls in the rough or going into a hole. Not only do watching the majority of his films not directly appeal to me, but I’ve had to defend myself against the (aggravating) gay FTM ideal/myth enough times to be a little gay/gun shy.
The thing is, that despite what Buck does for a “day job”, there are enough similarities to keep me interested. He is an avid weight lifter, loves his dogs, is a general man’s man. And he is comfortable with his non-op genitals as I am with mine.
Not wanting a penis/phalloplasty seems to me to be just as taboo as cismen with small penises- nobody wants to talk about it yet it is a reality for some people. I’ve never been on board for phallo, but the dynamics of that within the FTM communities is really setting in for me as I’m now well post-op from chest surgery and always passing after 1 year and 10 months on T.
Buck’s enjoyment of his genitals in a way that is usually discouraged or met with shunned silence is refreshing for me.
I don’t have any attachment to the way my genitals were pre-T. Testosterone has vastly changed my relationship with my own body, both on a very short and longer time frames. Even within a week of starting T, it was very clear that my body was going to become my own.
Despite any personal conflicts I have identifying with a porn star, I really appreciate a sex-positive model of a masculine male embracing the genitals that he has been dealt. Everyone has their own path, but sometimes it’s nice to not be the only one on the road.

Life is Continuous (3)

The new year is beginning, I’m back in the classroom tomorrow morning.  The tradition has been to work through GOTE (goals obstacles tactics expectations), and here it is again.  To review last year:

GOALS

1. Finish my masters degree.

2. Have top surgery and get back in shape.

3. Buy a better car for the Minnesota winters.

4. Get into a more economically smart living situation.

EXPECTATIONS

1. Putting out two papers before I finish my masters.

The obstacles to completing my masters degree got pretty ridiculous and at the end of the day I’m glad to be out of school and finished with the degree, even without publications beyond the thesis.

2. Being able to take my shirt off this summer.

I was able to take my shirt off! Below is a picture a friend snapped of me at softball. (warning: pale skin.)

3. Not driving a car next winter that doesn’t start or the doors get stuck open.

I’m currently driving a 4×4 Ford Ranger, it has been handling the Minnesota winter well so far.

4. Paying $1000 less on rent compared to 2010.

Now living in a house with my fiancè, contributing to the mortgage.

 

For 2012.

GOALS

1. Reduce credit card debt to minimal monthly expenses.

2. Put up improved/better softball stats this year.

3. Start a small, self-improvement focused FTM support and social group.

4. Move upwards in company/profession.

OBSTACLES

1. A lot of money going out for bills in the first 5 months of the year.

2. Work conflict with most softball practice times.

3. Introverted tendancies.

4. Unfamiliar office dynamics.

TACTICS

1. Strict budget and tracking of bills throughout each month.

2. Continued work outs with specialized routines for softball ramping up towards the season.

3. Setting it up with people that have personalities that complement mine.

4. Focus on my teaching methods and collaboration with my managers on projects.

EXPECTATIONS

1. Credit card debt eliminated by trip to NYC, above minimum payments on student loans post-trip.

2. Multiple home run season, OBP around 0.750.

3. At least 6-8 meetings during the year with 5-10 members.

4. Raise based on positive performance reviews in 2012/2013.

 

Cheers!

Transitioning for a Better Life

(ah, that frustrating feeling of having saved a draft only to find that it didn’t save)

I’m going to speak about we/us, the general collection of FTM men with the understanding that it is not all-encompassing.

It’s interesting to find that though we transition to improve our futures, our impression of the improvement and the ability to see the plan through beyond short term repercussions. For example, all too often we focus on getting a therapist to approve us for T and to make enough money paycheck to paycheck to pay for T out of pocket since the effects of testosterone for those first few years are so important to our ability to pass. We work tirelessly, straining ourselves for that future. Why not work that hard at developing emotional and technical skills to have a career that pays enough to afford testosterone and other important bills (mortgage, cell phone, car, etc). Being able to pay for T and to get it is important, but being able to financially support oneself for the decades beyond the first years on T is even more important.

I’m not calling us all immature. (though I know many immature people of all genders) I think it goes beyond how we find ourselves in a secondary puberty that makes it hard to not feel 16 years old again…. (though that’s another hard truth to stomach, for another day)… But we are so ingrained at ignoring the long future. For so long, the future was an unavoidable, painful truth that we were stuck in bodies that did not portray the gender that we are.

I could never see myself as a grown woman. I was never growing up as I was in my mind. Even thinking about how I would structure a family was difficult (I know I’ve written about this experience in childhood)- it wasn’t until college that I put my finger on wanting to be dad. Even in my transition, there have been some short-sighted moments.

If I had known 3 years ago that it would be so much easier to get life insurance than it is now, I would have gotten a policy together. However, now as a 24yr old HEALTHY man I am temporarily denied life insurance based on statements written in my therapy record by a therapist. I am betrayed by my own honesty in a closed room, and further I am betrayed by the distortion of comments and snippets of a human being.

The technical reasons for the denial are sketchy and can be changed, but it’s going to take time and money. It’s a bunch of bullshit. I could have avoided this bullshit, if I had been able to think about what I would be needing in my future- beyond school, hormones, surgery.

Enjoying Working Out

Finally! Symptom free from the sinus infection, minus the side effects of the antibiotics, I was back at working out today. I won’t be full force back into a circular workout routine until this week (and my new work schedule starts the week following).
It was nice to at least be lifting again, despite how frustrating it was to be back in strength from the gains I had been able to achieve recently.
Meanwhile, here’s a list of my favorite weight lifting moves (and why):
-bench press (the obvious chest muscle building, helpful for before and after top surgery)
-weighted situps (really builds the strength for stability of the core)
-bar bicep curls (balanced workout for both biceps and shoulders, relies on strength in both the back and stomach for proper form)
-squats (love-hate relationship)
-dumbbell pullovers (chest and tricep workout to kill)
-dumbbell shoulder press (my little shoulders needed an ass kicking for my 5 foot 3 frame)

I tend to stick to 5-10 reps and about 4-5 sets for building strength, and I always take a day off of weighted workouts to let my body deal. Since I’ve started testosterone I’ve built even more muscle than I had leftover before from power lifting 3 years before transitioning, and my favorite weight lifting moves have put more muscle on especially in my shoulders, arms, chest, abs, and thighs.

A Minor Transformation

A subset of my transition female-to-male has always been my transition to a more muscular body. This began before I even started to transition across the F-M gender barrier and continues to this day. I documented this mostly through pictures during the first year on testosterone, with a focus on my shoulders and upper arms- traditionally larger places on a masculine body that I felt were too small on my body.

What strikes me about all these changes, though as individual, slow, self-directed alterations… is that as a minor part of all the things that have been a part of my transition- weight lifting has been a significant contributor to my life as a whole. Self-esteem, masculinized body (image), etc.

For the previous month I had been back to lifting again for the first time since starting this new job full time. I finally had really gotten a good workout routine together that rotated through the week and when supplementing with protein shakes I was able to gain 5lbs mass and saw good gains in strength. Ever since I started testosterone I’ve been tracking a couple different body measurements, which has been nice as I know my clothes have changed sizes a little but it’s mostly about them fitting differently.

…unfortunately, I have a sinus infection right now so there’s no working out, there’s barely even any working because the pressure is so bad. It’s really disappointing, but as soon as I can get back to it- Sunday/Monday after thanksgiving?… I’ll share what I’m doing up here.

Her

Well, I haven’t shared a lot about my romantic relationships on this blog. I’m not a monk, I promise.
To summarize, the faiapgirlfriend (for all intents and purposes girlfriend) finally became my girlfriend, we were rocky, we were solid, we had a really strong relationship as we both traveled through major life events, and I asked her to marry me. The faiapgirlfriend is now my fiancé.

There’s so much to say about her, and not nearly enough words in my vocabulary to express how amazing she is for me and the world. We work together extremely well, so much so that I think that it might even be possible for us to have commingling careers one day. We live together now that we’re engaged, and it has helped us learn to communicate even better with each other and others.
I’m really looking forward to every day of the rest of our lives together- because each day brings new joys, challenges, triumphs, and love. Me being trans is just a part of our relationship because it’s a part of me, but it’s not a restriction on our relationship or a contingency.
We met when I was literally 10 days on testosterone, several months into living as a male full time. While we dated I endured some major changed from testosterone and had top surgery. None of these things were surprises and were always expected of our relationship. I was the first trans person that she had known, much less dated, but the experiences weren’t the surprises- the resulting feelings of life happening were. Just like any other relationship, we travel the facets of life together, living, learning, and loving.

A New Insurance Plan

Part of the fantastic territory that is working for 1 company full time is “benefits”.
When I graduated from grad school, I had a few months before my insurance from the university lapsed (health partners). Fortunately, I had enough cash saved up for a temporary insurance plan- so I would avoid trying to get a new insurance plan while completely uninsured with a “pre-existing” condition (“gender identity disorder”, the medical code for my XX chromosomes).
At any rate, my current insurance provider is Cigna. Immediately I knew to run through the same old song and dance… find the “coverage criteria” etc for myself and verify coverages. While Cigna does offer coverage for GID procedures and hormones, they very explicitly state that most of their plans do not extend to those nether regions of neverneverland. What wonderful trans-ignorance.
So… my employer’s plan doesn’t cover anything anywhere near GID.
What this means for the immediate times is that I’m going to need an extra $500+/yr for blood work and a check up. The testosterone itself isn’t that expensive, compared to the medical care, running $55 for a vial and enough syringes to go 19-20 weeks on 50mg/week.
In the long run I am going to look into having my “t checkup” covered as a “preventative care” checkup, and see if any other indication could cover the blood work. Also, at this point my cholesterol, blood sugar, etc, have all been stellar for every single test. Even the lady giving me a checkup for *life insurance* said I have great blood pressure.
More importantly, I need to contact the HR department at my work and talk to them about reversing the exclusion in plan years to come. I will eventually be facing a hysterectomy, and the entire mentality of the exclusion is disturbing to me as an employee. At this point I am essentially not out at all at work, not something I have a huge plan for changing on the local level anytime soon.
A future option may also be to join the health plan of my fiancé, then wife- if her plan includes the coverage. It has been moderately discussed, but not explored at this time. This is not a completely foreign idea as I a) know many people who put both partners on one plan, gay/straight/queer/trans/cis/whatever, b) have a friend who’s top surgery is now covered by his wife’s insurance,

I am a huge proponent of trans-inclusive health coverage. It was that inclusion that allowed me to begin my transition with the support of not only a therapist, but a close-knit group of transguys at various stages in their transitions, as well as a general care doctor with extra knowledge of trans-medicine.

The Steady State

I’m working full time, teaching college science and general life skills. In some ways, it’s a lot different- but in many ways, life has continued as normal. To be honest, the biggest difference is in the money.
Just as a general testosterone update, I’m currently 1 year and 8 months on T. Still don’t have much facial hair, but my body now retains a lot more muscles across the shoulders. In this time I’ve lost several inches from my hips and thighs, and my weight fluctuated overall from 130, up to 150, then back down currently to 125. My voice isn’t changing much more that I notice. On the downside, I continue to have acne on my face, shoulders, and upper back. I’ve had my T levels checked to make sure that it’s not off the charts, that’s not the culprit. For now, I treat it with a topical antibiotic.
Recovery from top surgery has been phenomenal, about 1 month ago I realized that I’ve gained sensation all the way across my chest, including my nipples. At 10months post op, the scars are soft and light pink. They are broader in some areas, but I am very happy How the curve of the scars follows the line under my pecs. Two cheers for double incision surgery.
I’ve got a few most very specific updates to make, including new insurance problems, relationship developments, family planning, and male-centric workplace dynamics. I hope to be back soon.