Two Video Updates

The most recent video, a year and five months on T (7 months post op).

A little bit older video that I forgot to share here, 1 year on T.

What I’ve Been Up To

Well, I haven’t finished a post for my blog in what feels like forever. I’m currently living life to the fullest- overemployed, working out, finishing research for my masters degree, adopting a dog with my girlfriend, running at full speed 24-7.
It feels a lot more like warp speed than it used to. Before surgery, before masculinization of my body, before admitting that everything was out of line- life felt like wading through a swamp.
I’m still the same person who started the blog, started t, wanted surgery years ago, and went to college- but there seems to be far fewer inhibitions standing in my way.
My transition will continue- because life is going to continue and I’m never going to stop making the most of every day… but for the most part, my legal and medical transition is over. I will continue on testosterone, but there are no more major hoops to jump.
Now I get to live out the rest of my life. As a transman. And that’s amazing.

The Night That Cuddling Got Even Better

Two days ago I attended my first post-op appointment (8 days post-op), where the drains were removed and the nipple grafts inspected and redressed with different coverings. Finally, comfort was reached.

The drains were the largest source of discomfort and pain for me, and I was all but ecstatic to have them removed.  Everything in the appointment was fairly painless, though I admit that the sensations around the drain sites were most painful.  A momentary sting, and the drains were out.

The nipples had been dressed with a ball of (what I think was) iodine-soaked gauze, and now are redressed with a oiled sheet sealed in a water-tight dressing.  Hello showers.

By the end of the appointment, my chest was completely unwrapped for the first time.  It was just me (and my pants).  It felt incredibly natural, with nothing out of place.  It was shockingly serene, a bit surreal, extremely peaceful.

I had several people giving me serious support during my recovery.  An old roommate took time off work to travel to Minnesota and sit with me during the rather unexciting and boring, but lonely, times when I could barely stay awake for more than 2 hours at once.  Dedication from an old friend, much appreciated.  I am so blessed to have a friend that is highly knowledgeable regarding medicine in-town and willingly on-call to help me out with redressing of my chest, removal of the novacaine tubing, and answering my “halp! I’m worried about xyz!” texts.  Lastly (and I’m sure everyone has picked up on by now), I have a very supportive girlfriend who has (subdued me) been nursing me back to health by way of food, encouragement, general help, and demands that I be lazy.

Of course I brought her with me to the post-op appointment.  I was going to see my chest for the first time, and I wanted her to be seeing it for the first time the way I did.  I also wanted her to see me, as I saw my chest for the first time.  It was a very raw thing (in the emotional sense) that I wanted to be a part of our relationship, to say nothing of the fact that while my new chest brings a drastic change to my life- it also directly affects hers.

My girlfriend was able to ask my Buckley the questions she had about how my procedure went and the healing process down the road, which I know was a huge step towards being comfortable with how I was healing.  After the appointment, it was smiles all around.  It was evident that the sight of my chest, in good health and form, was a relief to both of us.

But.

Beyond the post-op appointment (though it was an enormous relief) was the time to follow.  I went home, and just went about my night.  I had considered going out for dinner and celebrating the “occasion,” but decided that just having life go on and enjoying the new freedom that I have.

For so long, having breasts had mentally and physically gotten in the way of my life.  For the first time, I felt truly free from it.  With the drains removed, I felt leaps and bounds better than I had for the previous week. So when I finally settled into bed that night (rolled on my side for the first time in over a week) and wrapped my girlfriend in my arms- I pulled her tightly to my chest.  Just like I do every night- it’s got to be one of my most favorite feelings in the world. Yet this time, it was even better, because when I pulled her against my chest there was nothing between us.

Top Surgery and Recovery, The First Week

Well, it’s been going.

Surgery was pretty typical for any hospital surgery, I checked in plenty early and was taken in a tiny bit late.  First they took me back to begin prep for surgery and once they were almost done they allowed my “family” to come see me for about 15 minutes.  My family consisted of my girlfriend and 2 other friends who were all going to hang out at the hospital during my surgery. Everyone was anxious for my surgery, wanting it to go well and for me to be healthy.

My surgeon had informed me that the surgery time was about 4 hours, but to not be alarmed if it went over.  6 hours and 3 minutes was my final surgery time.  I only spent an hour in recovery with two very nice nurses that I chatted with about their medical software, the snow, and Billy Elliot (which I had just been to see a few nights before).  I was well aware that I was high as a kite, but I was also well aware that for the most part I was in much less pain than I expected to be in.  My right arm was severely cramped up, but other than that… swollen and tender.  No shooting pains.

My girlfriend was really nervous for me, so I was nervous for her, and so on.  Fortunately, my surgeon has a good sense of humor and was great with us.  After I woke up in recovery and was acclimated to my surroundings, she looked at me and went “your girlfriend survived”.  It was good to know that she had already informed my family that I was doing well.  Even better than that was when my nurses were wheeling me up to my room for the night, my girlfriend was out by the elevators on her phone and was very excited to see me.  Not quite as excited as I was to see her, but again, I was seriously high.  Seriously.  Suffice to say I got a kiss and went up to my room for some water through a straw.

That was the one bad thing actually, the water through a straw.  I wasn’t even drinking more than a sip or two… but I really needed to burp, which really isn’t that easy when you’re tied up with a 6 inch wide ace bandage around your chest.  This culminated in my getting nauseous, getting nausea meds, continuing to get nauseous, finally starting to throw up but it ended up just being the most painful and scary burp of my life… and the whole situation is kind of funny at this point.  I drank sprite from then on, without a straw.

So I’m wrapped up in a double-long 6inch ace bandage (I hear Garramone does the same thing), with the drains on the sides.  In the middle are two super-thin tubes that go up into my chest- they delivered a form of local anesthetic (bupivacaine) over the next 5 days.  I carry the source of the bupivacaine around my neck in a black pouch, it looks a little bit like a cartoon bomb.  I did stay in the hospital overnight after surgery, as recommended by my surgeon.  I was all on board for that for the following reasons:

• My insurance is covering it, where the cost would have been a major con.
• There was a good possibility I would be dealing with hives from the antibiotic and IV is the best way to get benadryl.
• My support system could go home and get a full nights sleep without me bugging them, as I knew I would be doing for the following days.
• I could keep the catheter in (it didn’t bother me at all), which meant I didn’t have to worry up getting up during the night to pee and I got to keep being hydrated by IV, which meant I didn’t have to worry about hydrating myself during the night to stay healthy.  Bonus Jonas.

In hindsight, I absolutely don’t regret staying in the hospital.  I was high on percoset and slept pretty much the entire time I was there, minus the walk I took to prove I could walk and didn’t need a catheter.  My surgeon came back to discharge me the following evening, and I was less high than I would have been the previous night so it was good to discuss post-op care in that state.  Filled my antibiotic and pain killer prescription at the hospital pharmacy on the way out, went home and fell back asleep. Day 1 post-op, essentially all sleep, essentially all in the hospital.

Things I brought to the hospital that I really appreciated:

• A clean pair of underwear.  Nothing like that refreshing feeling when you’re about to leave.
• A small stuffed animal that propped my head up perfectly.  I hear those neck pillows work well too, but I don’t like stuff behind my head when its already against my pillow.  Cheer Bear worked excellently.
• My phone and charger.  I have an internet-enabled phone, so for my 15-30 minutes of perky awake time between naps, I kept my over-worked sanity in tact by texting my “family” or my family and perusing facebook. It also meant that I knew when people were coming to see me and I was able to work out being picked up in the most comfortable car possible.

Day 2 post-op, at home.  And so the spoiling began.  I felt amazing that morning, after having slept through the entire night for the first time and barely with any pain.  My girlfriend made me a bagel to eat with my meds before she went to work, and breakfast was enough activity to tire me out before my morning nap.  My friend that was staying with us woke up mid morning and joined me on the couch and we turned to netflix for entertainment, I dozed in and out virtually all day.

All of the days of recovery at home have progressed pretty much the same- sleep, food, meds, sleep, food, sleep, food.  One evening I had friends stop by and we had a potluck.  Other evenings my girlfriend came home after work, made dinner for us and we sat together to relax.

The pain throughout has been much less than I expected, and by day 4 of recovery I wasn’t needing the percoset.  The side effects of the percoset outweighed the the effects, and I decided to keep the little pain at bay with over-the-counter extra-strength tylenol.

Day 6 post-op I had a medically-inclined friend remove the tubes that had been delivering the bupivacaine, and the corresponding tape that had been itching me so badly.  Unfortunately, at this point the swelling in my chest has reduced so far that the ace bandage is slipping down.  For the first days the ace bandage was by far very comfortable, but now my chest is in fact flat and the ace bandage does nothing but slip down unless I re-tighten it every day.

Tomorrow, day 8, I go to have the drains removed, and I get an official look at my full chest.  However, today with further adjustment of my bandage I had the first look down across my flat chest.

It feels so good, the sight. I can’t wait to actually see it tomorrow.

Superman Returns

It all started last Christmas (2009) when I was absolutely delighted by the lack of awkwardly feminine presents and greatly enjoyed a collection of clothes I couldn’t wait to wear.  This included possibly my favorite tshirt- my blue and red superman tshirt.  You know me, I take pictures of everything.

Then I went back to St. Louis 6 months later.  Of course I took my favorite tshirt with me.

Still wearing that tshirt.

Positive Thoughts

I had my pre-surgery physical and ~9-months-on-T checkup this morning, and everything checks out.  Not really surprising, I suppose.  My cholesterol has been ridiculously good (especially for the way I eat), my blood pressure is great, my body gets a good amount of activity around 5 times a week.  Alas, another step to surgery.  Somehow I forgot how much getting through all the little appointments makes me feel better.  Prior to starting T I had a sticky note listing my therapy and doctor appointments that served as a more segmented countdown than the actual days.  That helped.

Now, I have individual therapy tonight and a pre-op consult with Buckley tomorrow.  Then surgery next Monday.

That’s it.

Goodbye to binders.  Goodbye to the inevitable first reality kick of the day.  Goodbye to working out with hunched shoulders.  Goodbye to painful backne.  Goodbye to tight knots in the back.  Goodbye to twisting my mind just to look in the mirror.  Goodbye to mentally numbing myself to have sex.  Goodbye to wondering what illusion other people see as my chest.  Goodbye to sudden onsets of consciousness to reality.  Goodbye to feelings of insanity after years of attempting to navigate a body that feels like the reflection of a fun-house mirror.

It’s going to be an adjustment.  There’s going to be healing.  There’s going to be growth.  There’s going to be acclimation as I connect to a new physical manifestation.  A physical manifestation that matches the very raw, emotional, and mentally concrete manifestation of my torso.

Life is Continuous (2)

New decade!! Woot.

Ok.  Keeping with tradition.  GOTE.

Reviewing last year’s goals and expectations…

GOALS

1. Submit strong applications for fellowships. (no longer a trajectory)

2. Legal name change before I submit my master’s thesis. (yep)

3. Bring my credit score up. (yep)

4. Start T. (yep)

5. Beat Guitar Hero 3 on Expert (nope)

EXPECTATIONS

1. Get 2 or more A’s this spring semester.  (nope)

2. Be recognized with a TA of the Year award, which is a $750 prize.  (nope)

3. No more late bills and pay back at least $750 on car over the year. (yep)

4. Generally passing and a good platform for top surgery. (yep)

5. Nearly being able to pick up chicks with the GH skills.  (well, you’ll have to ask her why she’s with me)

So… what about this next year?

GOALS

1. Finish my masters degree.

2. Have top surgery and get back in shape.

3. Buy a better car for the Minnesota winters.

4. Get into a more economically smart living situation.

OBSTACLES

1. Difficulties with oral exam.

2. Apprehensions about recovering from surgery.

3. Limited income and no savings.

4. Fear of messing up a balanced relationship by changing my living situation.

TACTICS

1. Focusing better while at the office to be more productive.

2. Slowly picking back up with working out in February after relaxing and taking it easy during January.

3. Pick up another job while in school and find a good full time job following graduation.

4. Being brave enough to bring living together and me moving in with roommates up.

EXPECTATIONS

1. Putting out two papers before I finish my masters.

2. Being able to take my shirt off this summer.

3. Not driving a car next winter that doesn’t start or the doors get stuck open.

4. Paying $1000 less on rent compared to 2010.

God Don’t Make No Trash

The title of this post is a song title from the musical Bare, which is an entirely different blog post well overdue as it is a beautiful homage to teens that take their own lives after being rejected by their spiritual families on the basis of their sexual orientation.

However, I don’t believe that God makes mistakes.

He simply opens up his heart
Out come tumbling works of art
God don’t make no trash

It’s really nice to come back to Christmas and this time to not be questioning what God is wanting with my life. Last Christmas I finally understood that I shouldn’t be questioning what he was putting in front of me- and this year I am particularly looking forward to celebrating his birthday now that I don’t feel like the reject he tossed in the mistake pile.

Sure, I knew what he wanted me to do, but I felt like his plans had gone awry and the product wasn’t what he intended but wanted to make the best of anyway… but I’m not defective.

Stressing Out

The closer surgery gets, the more excited I feel.  The more happy I get about surgery, the more I stand to lose if it doesn’t work out and the more upset I get with myself for counting on it happening… when by now I know that there’s certainly always a possibility that something will get turned around and I’ll have to deal with more bullshit.

Fortunately, there’s always working out.  A bonus of getting in shape is that I also feel like I’m working towards surgery by getting more in shape/staying healthy.

I’m cooking a tiny bit now.  My girlfriend has been doing very nearly all the cooking for us for the longest time, but in the recent week I’ve actually chipped in a little.  I’m not nearly the cook that she is, but I can certainly crank out a few edible and filling meals.  I enjoy being able to make food though, especially when it turns out yummy.

Last and certainly not least, I can just obsess about the never-ending snow and day to day grind until surgery is actually 48 hours away.

Sometimes, it’s just nice to laugh a little.

Video: 9 Months on T