Speak Up

I have a thing.  I have an insecurity.  I have a lingering apprehension when it comes to opening my mouth and saying anything.

I automatically am afraid that my voice will give me away, that it will sound funny and high pitched, that the person I am talking to will no longer see me as I am once they hear it.  I haven’t quite adjusted to my voice dropping so quickly.

I do really appreciate my voice now- I get sir-ed and mister-ed on the phone regularly and the smooth deepness in the morning doesn’t frighten me anymore.   It’s often times the first thing people say something about when they notice my transition.

It’s not every time, but it does happen often.  I speak softly simply because I am afraid and do not trust my own voice.  I feel a little ridiculous when I do it, because I do know that my voice has dropped rather quickly to a rather ideal register.  I’m making a more conscious effort now to force myself to speak up when I’m starting a conversation.  Starting with talking to strangers in public, talking to my friends, and speaking to large groups of my students, I’m going to speak up.  I want to be able to speak out. Only I can be my own voice, to assert who I am and what I need or want in life.

I’m not ashamed of my new voice.  I’m just insecure in my old voice.  That ends now.

4 Months on T! Really!?! Yes.

Time flies when you’re having fun.  When you’re having the time of your life… it can seem like the blink of an eye.

I remember having hot flashes for about 2 months.  I remember my voice cracking terribly as it dropped pretty quickly for a while.  I remember starting to consistently pass.  I remember the first time my girlfriend-person telling me that I really looked like a guy.  I remember my stepmom noticing the overall changes by skype and telling me that I looked good. I remember putting on my 997 binder for the first time and starting to cry. I remember the judge telling me my petition to be Drew Ezekiel, male, would certainly be approved. I remember going to the grocery store and having to double the amounts of things that I buy because my appetite increased so much.  I remember my first shot.

I barely remember having scrawnier arms.  I barely remember what my voice used to sound like.  I barely remember not sweating excessively. I barely remember meeting people and having to navigate communicating “I’m a guy” awkwardly.  I barely remember not knowing if I could be a good partner for someone.  I barely remember being confused about a menagerie of emotions that kept me living in fear.  I barely remember being afraid of giving myself my shot. I barely remember the feeling of hopelessness that I had when I didn’t know if I would be strong enough to transition.

Now…

• my hands are bigger/stronger
• my feet are wider
• my shoulders are wider, arms larger with more masculine definition
• hips and waist have narrowed
• face is much oilier, and the summer has made it worse… along with the acne
• face grows stubble with my sideburns definitively dropping slowly
• hair on my lower legs is much more dense, actually growing visible hair on upper legs and a happy trail for the first time in my life
• actually have hair on my hands, but its blond like the hair on my head
• my voice dropped… a lot faster than I expected it to.  especially my singing voice, which also dropped further than I expected too. probably still one of my favorite changes.
• I eat everything.  I get hungry all the time.  I feel sick if I don’t eat when I’m hungry.
• tastebuds adjusted fairly immediately to enjoy a wider range of foods
• desire to show affection to animals isn’t quite as strong
• playing sports makes me sexually aggressive
• besides a brief 3 hour stint, no periods since I started T
• don’t cry nearly as often as I did before- I’ve cried a grand total of 3 times since I start T
• I can’t concentrate as well as I used to. I jump from task to task if I’m not careful.
• my sex drive went up, and the best way to keep it manageable is to work out
• emotionally I am positive, where it takes a lot to get me angry or flustered and at the same time it’s easy for me to find things to be happy about
• I pass… a lot.  I can’t think of a pronounced time when I haven’t passed for at least a few weeks.

It’s sort of astounding to me, in this shock and awe way, how much testosterone has really changed my body to match my idea of myself.  I’m a masculine person, I tend to do butch things and I wear men’s clothes, and my body is undergoing this revolution where it is taking on more masculine traits- and I love it.

The best part about these changes is that they’re not climactic.  They don’t culminate my life into one moment, nothing is ending at this time, it’s not downhill from here. Everyday is a new day and my life is changed both for good and for the better.  I just downed 3 eggs and 4 slices of bacon, I’m going to do my shot, finish a report for work, and go play some softball.  Later I’ll have a few beers and play some pool.  Another good day, with many more to come.  I can’t wait to see what happens.

More Changes from T

It’s like I woke up Monday morning, and my hips were gone.

I know it didn’t actually happen overnight, but within the last 1-2 weeks, the shape of my hips has drastically changed in how my clothes fit.  I wear dress shirts with the fitted cut in a 14 1/2 so that they actually fit my body (reminder: I’m a little guy), but I would have to accept that when the dress shirts hit my hips, they, well, hit my hips.  Instead of hanging down over my hips, they would bunch up on my hips.  Now I can tuck the shirt right into my pants.  To be honest, I wasn’t even sure I was wearing the right shirt today except I asked a friend to check the tag when she got to our office this morning.

All of my clothes fit a little differently now actually- my shorts that I bought in the beginning of June sit a little lower and my binders are digging into my ribcage around my upper chest. I’m more satisfied with how I look with binders look on, despite being more and more frustrated with having to wear them.

One of my close friends swears I grew an inch (that would put me all the way to 5 foot 2!!!!) but I’m not convinced.  When I go for a physical and blood work in late July I’ll ask them to measure me.

I am growing more body hair.  It’s all relative. I have blond hair so the hair on my arms is still very light, but the hair on my legs is darkening more and is actually visible on my thighs.  The hair on my stomach is slightly darker but still very sparse, though its started a thin trail up to my chest.  The backs of my hands are covered in lots of short blond hairs, I pet them sometimes to entertain myself.  I’ve had 3-5 dark hairs on my chin for the last month, and lots of very pale slow-growing stubble around my jaw. The sideburns are getting a little more dense, but I’m continuing to shave about once a week to keep from just looking femininely fuzzy.  Hair, facial and overall on my body is not something that I care much for.  It bothered me when the hair on the lower parts of my legs wasn’t really visible, but that stage passed about a month ago.  My hairline has receded a tiny bit in the corners of my forehead, but my hair isn’t thinning and based on family history I’m not worried about it.

Even with my pretty much complete lack of weight lifting lately, my muscle tone hasn’t decreased from where it was a month ago.  I’m satisfied with where I’m at with my arms and shoulders right now, so I’m not concerned with building more- but I don’t want to loose what I have. I have pudge, especially right in the middle. There’s not much I am willing to do that will get rid of the extra 10-20lbs in that area.  I am active, but I also love food.  No complaints.  Part of my feelings of being overweight are from viewing my chest as being extra fat instead of necessarily feminine.

Before starting testosterone:

This month:

My voice is continuing to drop. My singing voice has dropped a lot faster and farther than I expected- as in I am below a tenor.  My speaking voice still has a huge range from near my normal old speaking voice to way below if I try.  An ex pointed something out on the phone today- it was the first time she actually noticed that my voice has dropped because my voice naturally varies a lot during the day and since she heard me quite a bit first thing in the morning for over 3 years, she was used to a more gravely voice on me.  My voice varying a lot during the day would explain how I surprise myself or other people some mornings.

I certainly sweating more than I used to when I am active, and it smells a hell of a lot more than it used to.  Not a plus.

Despite the continued battle with acne and the increase in sweating, I’m still much more comfortable in my body as I recognize it as masculine in the changes I see happening.  I feel like a flower that is finally blooming after being surrounded by an entire garden for years.

Video: 10 Weeks on T

Optimism and Positivity

I’m an optimist. I’m an optimist until it hurts.  and then some.

At any rate, I’m also generally pretty positive- when things go downhill I try to stay facing up.  I could find the silver lining in the cloud of soot above a coal-fueled power plant.  Even if the glass isn’t half full, I’m just glad if it has something in it.

What’s awesome in my life right now?

• I get a lot of support at work.  Between my group members, the secretaries that know *who* I am, and the nearly-random people that are also in the department, I get a lot of encouragement.  It makes it a lot easier to think that you can do something when there’s even one person rooting for you.  When its pretty much your whole department… you don’t just think you can do it, you know you can do it.
• The changes to my body from working out and being on T for over 2 months means that I am easily strong enough to make the throw from shortstop to first base… which means I’ve essentially been promoted.  Rock on.  I love the infield.
• Name change stuff is really coming together.  I have new checks, my credit card bill came for Drew, and my debit card came in the mail last weekend.  It’s so queer… I love it.
• When I went to the SSA office, the teller asked for a letter from my surgeons to change my gender marker.  I calmly told her that what’s in my pants is no one else’s business.  The look on her face still makes me smile. (I have to go back and change my gender marker once I get my new birth certificate)
• No period. At all.  Definitely should have had one if I was going to… I approve.
• I ordered new glasses.  They’re super hot and nerdtastic.  I’ll have them by Monday.
• I don’t notice my voice change much anymore, but people still remark how it’s continuing to drop.  Makes me look forward to teaching even more!

Video: 8 Weeks on T

I’m burning the candle at both ends right now to finish up this school year- but life has been too good to not make a video.

I was optimistic about my voice dropping- and I’m still pleasantly surprised by how it has dropped so far.  Not too many other obvious changes, mostly slow development of more muscle and redistribution of fat (hello beer gut).

My Voice

Especially in the morning- it’s so different- deeper.  I love it.  Probably my favorite change from the T.

You know the scene in the Emporer’s New Groove when Yzma (the evil lady) gets turned into a cat, she cackles, and then is like “Is that MY voice?”  Every couple of days the first time I speak in the morning I have one of those moments, where I get this nice little surprise.

My voice does crack a lot later in the day (~10pm), especially after days where I’ve been talking loudly quite a bit (oh, teaching).  I have yet to figure out how to consistently yell and holler while playing softball without my voice sounding like a cat in a washing machine.

The change in my voice is making me a lot more confident when it comes to daily living, and that is a welcome relief.  My name change trial is in 1 week (Cinco de Mayo!) and I’m really excited- especially because I know when I need to talk I’ll sound… like myself.  Sounding like a guy is an expression of masculinity that I very much identify with.  Being able to speak strongly with a deeper voice is important to me because I am the type of person that is protective and supportive- I try to be a strong person in all aspects.

Starting T: Some Thoughts

I don’t know if I’m hungrier, but I’m hungry more often and thinking about fast food is making me crazy.  Watching tv is killer- advertisements for Arby’s, Taco Bell, Dunkin Donuts, and McDonalds.  It’s a good thing I’m broke, because that stuff looks goooood.

Has anyone else gotten really thirsty on T?  I’ve been gulping down water and anything else lately, and therefore ending up needing to pee a ton more.  Its nearly been a feeling of constant thirst, at least every hour I get thirsty.

I felt like my morning throat, when my voice is deeper and rougher, was deeper and rougher than usual but returned to the same voice I usually have.  It has happened every morning so far, where I feel like I have a strained throat for ~2 hours.  Overall, my voice really hasn’t changed yet.

Many emotions are coming in with more intensity yet I feel more laid back about anything in the middle of the spectrum.  It’s hard to remember that I’m going to have to recalibrate the way I process my emotions.  When it comes down to it, I am enjoying the more expanded feelings and trying to work with them.  This is certainly one thing where it will be a transition for both myself and the people around me.  A benefit of this intensity is when I want to sit and study, I seem to be able to do it (and stay at it) once I put my mind to it.  Unfortunately, if I let my mind wander a bit, it’s really hard to get back on track as I get really excited about other things. (I say this while working on a blog post instead of studying for a quiz in 2 hours)
An unexpected and both good and bad effect of this emotional change is that I am far more assertive.  If I want something, I’m more confident (and go for it).  If someone is bothering me or taking advantage of me, I don’t take it as long before voicing my opinion.

The Differin is still doing a good job of working against my previous acne and oil, but now on T there is a huge increase how oily my face is, especially forehead.  All in all, my face is definitely breaking out, and this makes me very grateful that the differin is fighting against the acne.  Something that’s a little strange is that when I was in high school my acne was mostly on my forehead, but this seems to all be on my chin.  I suspect that some of it is facial hair/shaving issues.

I’m sweating a little bit more, especially when standing for long periods of time (ahem, teaching).  I don’t feel like my body odor has increased yet, and since this is one thing I’m apprehensive about I’m on the hyper lookout for it.

The scale of these changes makes me feel like that my students probably won’t notice them anytime soon, if at all.  We’re halfway through the semester with 7 weeks left.  On the midsemester evaluations the pronouns my students used for me are half and half, both she and he.  It’s really frustrating, but makes me even more hopeful for the changes that testosterone will bring.

Second shot went a lot better than the first. My doctor did the first shot in the top of my thigh.  While I have plenty of meat on my bones, I was nervous and tense, which made it even more painful.  To top that off, the needle disconnected from the syringe the first time she attempted to inject, which 1) was disconcerting to see happen   2) was painful and probably was part of the soreness I felt.   I self-injected the second shot (and will be doing the rest of them) in the side of my other thigh. I was at home, watching Grey’s Anatomy, relaxing and studying.  Overall I was a lot less tense when I went to do the shot, I didn’t have any problems with the needle disconnecting or hitting a vein.  I definetly needed a moment to breathe right before inserting the needle, but I am very much going to get used to injecting pretty quick.  I draw and inject with 1inch 25 gauge needles, half a cc at a time (50mg weekly).

I did start testosterone at the beginning of my midterms week, which has made for an overall very stressful experience- but not that much further beyond the stress I already have.  The unfortunate part was that as the week went downhill, it was hard to not feel down on taking testosterone.  The work week ended roughly, but I’ve managed to take step back and recognize that testosterone is still a good thing for my transition.  I’m so excited about the effects of testosterone, so far it has treated me well.