Halloween

I won’t lie, there’s some heavy stuff going on in my head lately.  But beyond that, there’s some things, little and big, that just have to get done.  So the heavy stuff is moving slowly so that life in all of its forms can keep moving on at the pace of the earth’s rotation… and Halloween is upon us!

I’ll preface this entry by saying that I LOVE Halloween.  I’m sure it has all sorts of religious/spiritual/historical/cultural connotations, but I’m blissfully unaware of them and while they may have to do with why you like Halloween, they have nothing to do with it for me (sorry).

I love dressing up.  Not the “let’s all put on make up and high heels” kind of dress up (oh dear God I dug a giant hole in the ground for fun as a child, I did not play dress up), but the kind of dress up where you can be anything, anyone that you want to be.  Last year I was Harry Potter, a couple years ago I was Nick Stokes from CSI, once I played a crazed serial killer in a haunted house for Halloween, in high school I was a wizard and a cowgirl, as a child I was: a Musketeer, a blue M&M, a beaver, a green and yellow dinosaur complete with a tail as large as I was (thanks mom!), a dalmatian, and a bunny.  I always chose costumes where there was at least one aspect that I really liked about the thing that I was becoming.

For example, blue M&Ms are my favorite.  And the bunny costume allowed me to wear this SWEET plastic nose.  Being Harry Potter was a great excuse to dye my hair dark and get away with looking 16 years old.  So this year, I yet again am getting away with looking 16 years old as a nerdy boy scout.

I was never in the scouts, I did a church variation on the scouts and whenever I thought about joining the girl scouts I realized that what I really wanted to do was make a pinewood derby car and join the boy scouts because they did cooler stuff. I’m not going to be actually doing any scout stuff for Halloween, other than wearing the costume- but I’m getting a great deal of enjoyment from even pretending that my life took that turn.  While it obviously turned out just fine for me at this point, it’s nice to take a step back and grab another experience.  It’s funny, because at this point, passing isn’t even something that crosses my mind.  Sure, I wear clothes that I can layer and hide my chest, but beyond that I am comfortably masculine and there’s nothing else to it.  Being a boy scout only feels like an act because I wasn’t a scout, not because of my gender.

Here’s another Halloween, another chance for me to temporarily branch out to something that I think is awesome without significantly altering my life otherwise.  Oh, and have a bit of fun with it.  The faiapgirlfriend is dressing up as a girl scout, and it’s going to be really hot. 🙂 Sometimes, we are just the cutest thing ever.

Drag Show, August 2010

Just the Way You Are, Bruno Mars

Oh, her eyes, her eyes, make the stars look like they’re not shining
Her hair, her hair, falls perfectly without her trying
She’s so beautiful, and I tell her every day

Yeah, I know, I know, when I compliment her she won’t believe me
And it’s so, it’s so, sad to think that she don’t see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look ok, I say

When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change
Because you’re amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you’re amazing, just the way you are

Her lips, her lips, I could kiss them all day if she let me
Her laugh, her laugh, she hates but I think it’s so sexy
She’s so beautiful, and I tell her every day
Oh, you know, you know, you know, I’d never ask you to change
If perfect’s what you’re searching for then just stay the same

So, don’t even bother asking if you look ok
Girl you’re amazing, just the way you are
When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change
Because you’re amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you’re amazing, just the way you are.

Whataya Want From Me, Adam Lambert

Hey, slow it down whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Yeah I’m afraid whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

There might have been a time
And I would give myself away
Oooh once upon a time I didn’t give a damn
But now, here we are so whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Just don’t give up I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me

Yeah, it’s plain to see
that baby you’re beautiful
And it’s nothing wrong with you
It’s me, I’m a freak
but thanks for lovin’ me
Cause you’re doing it perfectly

There might have been a time
When I would let you slip away
I wouldn’t even try
But I think you could save my life

Just don’t give up I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep comin around
Hey, whataya want from me

I could probably say a few words about the drag show again, but I think these video stills speak to not only how much I enjoyed performing again- but also where I am with my life right now.

Hitting My Mark

I knew that doing drag again was going to be a fun experience.

I didn’t know that it was going to bring me back to feeling like I’m on top of the world.

There’s this thing, about my transition, that makes me see how far I’ve come for my age and situation.  I had my final appointment with my individual therapist last week (will have a new one next month) and he told me that I’m the only transman that he’s ever seen getting a PhD. There aren’t a lot of transmen in general, but it feels good to know that I’m reaching up towards the pinnacle of accomplishment such that I really do stand out.

When I was in undergraduate I let my grades go a bit, I knew I could get by barely paying attention and I floundered through calculus 2 (and 3).  In the end of it all, I didn’t look very good on paper.  My recommendations even had to vouch for this when I was applying to graduate school, that despite taking some wrong turns, I had a lot of potential and really still had accomplished quite a bit through research.  Now… I look good on paper.  I’ve put myself together and when it comes down to it I have a decent CV/resume.  I do stand out.  I do stand above, from all my hard work.

Performing in a drag show was exactly that- I performance that left me smiling and refreshed.  I could pour any emotion I wanted into it and finish with the great feeling that I was coming back to being me and I’m very comfortable with that.  I used to hate when the night was over, when I got out of drag, when the clock struck midnight and my carriage turned back into a pumpkin.  It wasn’t a fairy tale this last weekend, it was a night in the life that I’m working my ass off to have because I love the life I have now and the future that it brings is even better.

(front row, 2nd from right in the black tshirt)

I hang out with a group of transguys once a month.  We have “boys nights”- drink beer, horse around, and just relax in the unique company of people that are familiar with a part of our experience that most are unfamiliar with.  The most recent one, also this last weekend, was probably my favorite one to date.  I was exhausted and worn out, both physically and mentally when I got there.  After sitting and having a beer, a few of us hopped on a trampoline- and experienced some sheer joy.

There was something funny about playing with guys who were all pretty much my size.  Growing up I had to kick the guys around before they’d play rough with me, it was so frustrating.  With these guys, the shared ftm experience means that we get it- we can play.  It’s fun for me because we can have our time of pure adolescence and carefree fun, but we still go back to real life.  Conversation after spending time on the trampoline revolved around things that are important to me, like family, children, wives/girlfriends, jobs, finances, etc.  I don’t have to pretend with these guys that just because I’m “only” 22 years old or am physically revisiting adolescence that I’m not working towards having these things.  I’m not told that anything about makes me ineligible, be it my gender, job, age, or body.

I’m 24 weeks on T.  I’ve been blogging about transitioning for 11 months.  I’ve known that I would be happiest living as a male for at least the last 4 years and 2 months. I’m turning 23 years old in a bit over a month.  I’ll have my second degree within the next year.  I’ll have my third degree in the next 4 years. I’ll have top surgery within the next year.  Those are things that revolve around my individual life.  I construct it for myself.  I don’t know when I’ll get married or start building a family, because those are things that I have to work with someone else to have.  They’re things that I want for my future and will work for just like I’m working for my degrees and surgery.  I’m hitting my mark with my life, and that is an awesome feeling.

Drag, Again.

I’m doing drag this Friday night for the first time since I’ve transitioned.  Drag used to be pretty much the only way I could express myself as a male from the safety of my female life.  I would look forward to the shows for weeks and live for weeks off the high I got from being in that role for a mere 5 minutes.

This Friday, I get to be… me.  Everyday, I get to be me.  When I do drag on Friday, I get to be myself and beyond.  It’s incredibly exciting for me to be going into a show where I can just play parts, and not be bending gender.  Yes yes, I know that the point of drag is to bend gender.  I am most certainly bending the traditional lines of gender, chromosomes and genitals and all that jazz, but based on my rules of gender- I’m a male and I’ll be performing as a king.

It’s going to be even more fun than it used to be.  It’s going to be cathartic. I’m really looking forward to the two different numbers that I’m performing, and the fact that I’m going to be able to portray two very different characters.  What I’m looking forward to the most, however, is when all is said and done with the show.  When I’m tired from pouring my heart out on stage, when it’s late from the length of the show, and when I’m out of costume.  I’ll be heading to my car, breathing sighs of both relief and joy.  It’ll be freaking fantastic to still be the man I want to be, even out of character.

(pictures to come, I promise)

Drag

I performed in a local drag show during undergrad.  It was something I did for a bit of semesterly big fun- for one glorious evening I got to bind the chest that made me squirm, put on the clothes that made me feel the most handsome, tuck my hair into a hat, and not apologize to anyone for my masculinity.  I looked forward to this one night in drag all semester, even during the summers.  I loved dressing in drag so much that for one of my birthdays I wore drag to my dinner.

I wasn’t especially good at it, there wasn’t a community of kings or other gender benders for me to learn from, and my dancing skills are seriously sub-par- but, I did it for the high that I felt all night just wearing the clothes.  Picking a song that I could use to express myself further was just icing on the cake.

I’m so glad I performed in those drag shows, and I get all nostalgic thinking about it.  Would I go back to performing in drag shows?  Sure.  Do I feel like I’m aching for the next time I can perform?  Absolutely not.  I get to do my own drag performance every day as a part of revealing myself to the world.

I performed to Mambo No. 5 (several times), Are You Gonna Be My Girl, Sexy Back, and A Little Less Conversation. …I think there were others that I can’t remember at the moment…

Now on to the videos… warning: seriously awkward moments ahead.

Freshman year of undergrad (first show):

Senior Year of undergrad (last show):