Working Out (1 Month on T Vanity)

I did my ~monthly haircut yesterday (the hair on my head grows so quickly and likes to do its own thing) and with the recent passing of my 1 month on T marker, I wanted to post a quick comparison while I’m mulling over thoughts on my own heteronormativity and fluctuating chest dysphoria.

PreT (Nov 2009)

1 Month on T (April 2010)

The first picture was the picture I took when I looked in the mirror and told myself that I wasn’t in the shape that I wanted to be in regardless of whether or not I was on testosterone yet.  I started weight lifting through the winter and into the spring- which helped boost my confidence as I ramped up to start T.  My strength is a externalization of my masculinity, something that I feel is vital to my sense of self.  I tend to be a protective person and like lending a hand when it comes to strenuous lifting, it’s all a part of my personality.  To succeed at that and feel like I’m being true to myself I have to be(feel) strong.

Masculinity exhibits itself in a lot of ways. My desire to be physically strong (not to the extent of being ripped) is one of the many ways that my masculinity reveals itself.

Transmen En Masse

One of the most reassuring things I have done as a part of my transition is spent time with groups of transmen.  I’ve mentioned the group therapy I go to for masculine-identified people born in female bodies, and more recently I’ve found a group of transmen that get together about every month for an evening of relaxation.

No matter where you are in your transition, don’t shy away from connecting with other transpeople.  For the most part, you’ll find that everyone is willing to share their past experiences with you and encourage you to do whatever you need to so that you can find your future.  Right now I need information on surgeons that do top surgery and advice for filing the legal forms necessary to change my name and gender.  I was able to get more opinions on two local surgeons and plenty of encouragement for legally changing my name. Beyond this, I shy away from romantic relationships sometimes to avoid complications so it’s nice to see guys with successful endeavors in the relational world.

Part of the fun of the social setting for me was noticing how despite the diversity within the transmale community, we still share many common habits/traits.

• There were several guys around under 5’4″
• Every one hugs for real. No fake shoulder-contact-only, double pat on the back hugs, if we’re going to hug we’re going to hug for real.
• Most guys with top surgery done were more than happy to show off their chests, without reservations to the rest of their bodies not being in perfect shape.  We take what we can get and love it.
• We are encouraging of each other without equivocation.

I don’t think I can stress the diversity of the transmale community enough.  I write of my experiences as a 22 year old, employed, student, scientist, white, midwest, single, independent transmale.  Beyond this narrow scope is so much that I don’t think I have words to express.  I particularly enjoyed hearing from brothers with children, with partners, military pasts, shifting employment, or interesting hobbies.  We’re all people with a shared past, like members of a tribe scattered to the corners of the world.  When reunited we bring a commonality that is a bond strong enough to shock us all yet the distinctiveness of each individual is exhilirating.

There’s no one right way to be a transmale. We all combine some aspect(s) of masculinity with ourselves and form a handsome menagerie of people that dare to defy the traditional route manhood.

(Dual Post) MBLGTACC 2010 and Kate Bornstein (final keynote and amazing person)

If you don’t already know about Kate Bornstein, you’ve been missing out. If your life is going along perfectly, then maybe you are alright as you are- but if you ever have trials/tribulations, I recommend checking some of Kate’s work out.

Don’t be mean. The simplest philosophies are the most powerful. Do whatever you need to do to make life worth living, just don’t be mean. I love life, I strangle the sunshine out of every day, but yet, I understand this statement all to well. In fact, I was in tears at the end of Kate’s talk. In September of 2009, I promised myself that I would explore my gender and whether or not I wanted to transition my body. I had hit the bottom of another huge roller coaster of dysphoria realized I wanted off the ride. I was afraid that the rising intensity of these emotions would push me so far into negativity that I might give up on living in that unhappy state.  So, for the first time in my life, as I began the downward spiral of anxiety, depression, and dysphoria, I did whatever it was going to take to make my life worth living.  Between talking about my past and present to a counselor and a psychologist and the ways I learned to express myself by binding, a haircut, and talking to my friends about my gender identity, I very quickly found out that this life is worth living.  Further, I realized that I was barely living- now that I’ve opened up to myself, I’m living.

There was a lot of buzz at this MBLGTACC about the disonance between the majority and the minority groups within ourselves. Yes, I was seriously peeved at the lack of respect for the closed sessions. I attended 2 sessions intended for transgender people (incl the transgender caucus) where conversation from cisgendered people derailed the discussion from the intended topic. I still don’t have a clear picture of what happened with the QPOC sessions, but I do know that there is a distinct lack of boundaries and lack of respect for diversity within our community. White people are in a large majority at the conference and are used to being the majority voice in the external world- so making changes in the context of the conference will be difficult without a whole hell of a lot more self-awareness.
Another issue that I did hear more about was the lack of genderless bathrooms at the conference. Yes, it really sucks that the facility staff removed the temporary genderless signs that the conference organizers had placed. However, bitching and moaning about it is a sad thing to do. This is a conference of relatively sex and gender aware people. Pick a bathroom, any bathroom, einy meeny miney mo if you have to- walk in and do your thing. Chances are with the attendees at the conference that there’s already a transperson in the bathroom of any appearance.  Reclaim your right to use the bathroom, starting in a very safe place.

I’m claiming my masculinity and my freedom to simply be me without apprehension.  Reclaim life!

Queer Heterosexuality

Yes, I am going to talk about sexual orientation for a post.  Thanks to Tumblr, I found the wonderful phrase “queer heterosexuality” is beginning to catch on.  In short, I do consider myself a queer straight guy. If I’m in a situation where being more explanatory would be beneficial, a queer heterosexual transmale is a lot more appropriate.

I crave sports seasons and work outs, I eat more frat boy food than anyone should.  Women have this power over me- they can make me completely incapable of independent thought based on my attraction to them.  All the same, I can have a great time watching figure skating and discussing the tassels, sequins, and colors of their outfits.  Does this duality make me insecure about my masculinity? Sometimes, yes.  There are times when I have to remind myself that the gender expectations aren’t important.

I have been weary to adopt the straight label because it is very foreign to me.  For over 7 years, “straight” has been an entirely separate continent to me.

It’s all true.  I’m without a doubt male, and my past makes me a transmale.  I’m attracted to women, which categorically makes me heterosexual.  It’ll take a meteor to knock me out of the queer realm, there are too many aspects to me outside of the traditional straight male persona and experience.  I have no desire to change any of this or to apologize for it.

I know that some transmen have lost their queer spaces once they become men that are attracted to women- I have no intention of giving it up if I don’t want to.  Even further, I want to encourage the cisgendered individuals in my life to consider what parts of them are queer and how they relate to me.

I appreciated Kate Bornstein including queer heterosexuals in her list of sexual orientations/labels during today’s final keynote at MBLGTACC, and as I clapped for the label addition a friend turned to me and asked if I identified with it.  And I got to own being heterosexual, being a queer heterosexual. 🙂

Resources:

Crossing the Borders of Gendered Sexuality: Queer Masculinities of Straight Men

Wikipedia Article: Queer Heterosexuality

The Queer Heterosexual: Village Voice

They The Sphere: Tumblr (where I originally noticed this article and set of resources)

Changing Your Gender on Facebook

I may have mentioned that I changed my gender on facebook a while back, but the superficial impact is very nearly annoying.  And by this I mean, the ads!  Dear Lord, facebook is lucky I’m a fairly stereotypical guy (all things considered), because the ads couldn’t get any more predictable.  Lower car insurance rates for 22 year old males, IT jobs, police officer training, video games, etc.  Amazing.  Interests related to these things (computers, guitar hero, chemistry) are listed on my profile, but the abundance of ads lining up with those interests has drastically increased.

Oh gender expectations, how you crack me up.  Just goes to show how much I’m not aware of the gender rules until they bitch-slap me.  Please facebook, advertise lolcats to me, I do love them.

Women’s Bathrooms

I find it mildy ironic that not even 1 week after my post on men’s restrooms, my period started. Let me just say, I’m not a happy little menstruator.

Not only do I generally have bad cramps which make me very grumpy for a day-ish, but I’m living as a guy full time now.  I hadn’t used a women’s restroom since I was in an Amish store with my dad in December.  Oh but of course, I needed a tiny little trashcan by the toilet today.  Curse you, heavy flow.

Now let’s be fair, if I had to, I could go to a unisex bathroom.  The nearest ones to my office are across the street (it’s snowing outside, I’m in Minnesota!) or in the library next door in the sub-basement level (which I can access by 1 flight of stairs, a tunnel, and another flight of stairs each way).  With using a unisex bathroom being an inconvenience and my temper being a little volatile as I stewed today, I gave the complex of me needing to use a women’s restroom some good thought.

I have a uterus.  It’s currently throwing a diva fit.  If that doesn’t make me worth of the right to use a women’s restroom, I don’t know what does.  I may appear male, and my name may be masculine- but my innards make it necessary for me to break this bathroom convention from time to time.  I don’t want to start a fight, and I use a quiet female restroom right below my office when I need to.

It does feel weird, using the wrong restroom.  I feel uncomfortable because it isn’t the place that I identify with, the place I call home.  It’s like when you use the restroom in a foreign country and the conventions are different enough that you aren’t as confident as you usually are at a task we’ve all mastered.  Make no mistake, I belong there.  I belong in both bathrooms when I use them.  I am male on the shell and at the very core, so I use the male restroom.  In the gooey layers between, I have the female experience and occasionally use the female restroom.

Part of being FTM is at times recognizing that you are 2 parts making a whole, or a rainbow being viewed from far enough off to see all the colors (even purple if you’re really queer).  Being brave and bold is taking a risk for your own comfort with the chance that someone else might not understand or might not want to understand.  Better still is the opportunity for education for someone who doesn’t understand but wants to.  Transpeople (incl gender queers) are everywhere in small numbers, but largely we become invisible.  That doesn’t mean we have to be.

This sort of dilemma is just one of many reasons why I hope I’m starting testosterone next month. I find out on Friday if I’ve been approved by my psychologists.

The Non-Feminist/Old-Fashioned Things I Do (and I can’t seem to help myself)

It’s not that I don’t respect women.  It’s that I have such reverence for them sometimes I do things on impulse.

I hold open doors.
I open car doors.
I don’t let anything around the house stay in disrepair.
I let the lady have the remote and try not to complain when the choice is… Say Yes to The Dress or She’s the Man.
I carry anything extra or heavy.
I offer to drive.
I supervise the maintenance of cars.
I do my best to fix any computer problems right that moment and explain what I did.
I walk nearest the road.
I offer to hold anything hot.
I’m easily manipulated by a smile.

…and so many other things that just make me wonder if I’m pathetic.

Male Stereotypes

“Congratulations, you are now officially a man.”

A coworker that has been reluctant to use male pronouns to me made this proclamation after I made a small confession.  It really wasn’t a big deal, but I had been shy to admit to it as I associated it with the many male stereotypes I’ve negatively for many years.

I, Dz, find that a woman making or bringing me food, especially certain food, to be a huge turn on.

That’s right, I’m easily manipulated by coffee, cheesecake, pizza, and apple pie.  Sure, I say I hate it, but when it comes down to it, I cherish the fact that I can enjoy life so simply to let go and be myself.

So the question boils down to, what else am I hiding from?  I recently indulged in a playstation 2 game system and find myself playing Lego Star Wars alone late at night, perfectly content.  One year ago, I certainly wouldn’t have seen that coming (or any else of this for that matter).  As a lesbian for over 7 years, I’m certainly not afraid of queer stereotypes.  I skip through the flurries and match my boxer briefs to my tie and a whole host of things I’m probably not aware of.  Those parts of me come forward, full force, without inhibition.

This partially answers the question I have been asked many times: how am I so sure this is what I want?

Because being male and living as a man is the result of me living without fear or inhibitions, just purely expressing myself.

Five Foot One

At least I have big feet?

No really, I’m quite short.  It’s not like I’m frail- probably a bit overweight with a good amount of muscle mass.  But, when pretty much everyone towers over you, it’s hard to feel masculine at times. There is something about a lack of height that makes people doubt your abilities as a protector, lover, and father.  I don’t get it.  Sure, there is the initial attraction factor where each person has distinctive qualities that they find appealing, but what is to be said for the value of everything else that comes in the package of a person?

I know my previous partner was initially off-put by my height and expressed a desire to be with a “bigger guy” who could hold her and wrap her in his arms.  After a short amount of time, her apprehension was (mostly) availed and I was an adequate partner.  I’ve never snuggled with anyone that’s complained about me NOT wrapping myself around them.

Strength is something I struggle with.  Being shorter obviously puts the physics of leverage against you at times, but over the years I have explored different options for staying in shape.  The best by far was the time I spent with Olympic-style weight lifting (power lifting).  As I start T (testosterone) next spring, the fat and muscle content on my body will reorganize itself to a more masculine layout.  I’m proud to say that I have good upper-body strength for a female body, but still, I want to be a physically stronger individual.  I love to play sports and be active in general, but the female genome does not offer any help with that physique.

While T won’t add to my height, the general masculinity of my body will be much appreciated- though probably only by me.  Here’s to being less insecure.

Edit: Let’s not forget that I generally have good humor about my height.  Still looking for a replacement “elf on strike” tshirt for the holiday season.