Underwear Party

It’s exactly like it sounds.  I still have my clothes check number written on my wrist in black marker.

For anyone, it would be a liberating experience.  I met friends there with the faiapgirlfriend and it was more than a liberating experience.

First off, it was a great litmus test for myself.  I have a (somewhat irrational) fear that I’m going to become a homophobic straight jerk as a guy that is attracted to women.  This underwear party was mainly a gay mens event (that is, the only people that weren’t gay men there were my friends)- and I was comfortable.  Even when it was wall to wall of guys in their underwear.  Sure, I didn’t really want anyone’s sweaty body against mine nor did I have any appreciation for the porn playing on the video screens above the bar… but I didn’t have any fear/panic that someone might hit on me or expect me to be gay.

Secondly, I was in nothing but trunk (boxer) briefs and a small white tshirt over my binders.  It was… revealing.  I had very little control over whether people saw me as male because I didn’t have the daily drag of clothes to play with.  It was my body, my movements, just barely me that defined the gender that people saw me as.  A guy I met through gay softball didn’t recognize me at first and then asked why I didn’t have my shirt off… I told him that I would need $8000 to be able to do that and laughed.  I’m not sure he knows I’m ftm.  A bartender thought I was female-identified and when I corrected his awkward comment about my vagina he offered to give me the beers for free. I declined, because his misstep had the best intentions and he accepted my explanation without complete ignorance.

Thirdly, I used the women’s bathroom for the first time since… God knows when.  Mostly it was because I knew guys were using it as well and I really wanted to be in and out quickly.  It was a little surreal though.

Lastly, it was purely liberating.  Everyday I put on clothes and try to enhance who I am, especially the gender that doesn’t match my entire body, by dressing to express myself.  The only way I could express myself that night was a 5inch length of clothing (my blue striped) and by my actions- dancing and laughing and smiling.  Something about the simplicity of being caught in your underwear makes you resort to something further, inside yourself.  It was like a strength-building exercise, for my resolve.

And it was a party.

Emotional Support

I’m going to support you with whatever decision you make.

Having people in your life that not only trust your thought process to conclude with a good result but also care about you enough to look past their expectations for you to see a brighter future is important.

I know this all too well, after bringing to my family my desire to transition a little under a year ago.  At first, it seemed bleak because what I was proposing to them was hard to understand and literally shattered a lot of what they saw for me.  Or at least it seemed that way.

It turns out, that even living as Drew, I am still a productive member of society and (gasp) pretty much exactly as my family knew me.  It wasn’t just my family, but my friends that adjusted what they saw, or how they viewed what they saw.

Years of building with legos, taking apart electronics, and playing outside were not voided by my desire to be known as Drew.  The haircuts my mom gave me, the evenings playing softball with my dad, the family vacations were not struck from history by hormone therapy. I knew that I was going to be the same person, but I had to let them see it.

It took time, but they still see the same person.  If I’m lucky, they see some of the fruit of the labor I’ve put into being a better person.

As a result, I’ve adopted a similar philosophy for all of life’s large changes.  Do what’s best for you, tuck your head between your knees and hope that down the road the significant people in your life are still standing behind you.  In reality I should be holding the people that care about me accountable for eventually providing emotional support, but I’ve had enough issues with that in the past that I’m afraid of the inevitable disappointment that will follow assuming that the people I care about will stay standing beside me.

Being an adult means that you are presented with decisions where the best option for you often results in disappointing significant people in your life.  Emotional support seems to get fewer and far between. You get stronger, or your don’t grow up.  You stand on your own, or you sit down.  You do what is right for you, or you suffer under your sacrifices. You stay the same person, and other people get to see more of you.

Suicide

Today is WSPD- world suicide prevention day.

I noticed it on twitter this morning, thought about how great of an idea that is, and went on about my day.  My day included an individual therapy session with my therapist that oversees my gender transition, and we filled out a “plan of action” that is more of a formality for the direction of my therapy and a check up on my symptoms.  One of the items on this sheet is an assessment of suicide risk.

For the first time since I was 14 years old I was able to honestly categorize myself as “not at risk.”  This was the first time I had been formally evaluated since last December (pre-testosterone).  It’s sort of jarring to remember what a different time that was in my life, that I would rather get out of this life than deal with another day in a body I couldn’t understand.

My transition has gone incredibly well.  Although there have been starkly frustrating times and obstacles that are so big I’m not sure I can see them entirely, I’m really lucky- I’ve been able to maintain my job, family relationships, peer support, and my physical health. My transition would have to have gone thousands of times worse to not be worth the fact that my life is worth it now.

If you or someone you know feels trapped in the gender of their body and thinks that suicide (or self-harm) is a viable option, I encourage them to seek “professional” help and to seek out support within the trans community.  There is a life that is worth it and there are people that want to help you live that life.

Head Games

Earlier this summer, as I sat on my therapists couch, I rambled through all of the stuff that was making a good attempt at running me down with stress.  I finished with a deep breath, probably fidgeted with my shoe, furrowed my brow, and smiled a little. I generally have good resolve and am pretty optimistic.  I’ve powered forward through a lot of stressful times.  I have a chemistry degree for Christ’s sake.

The first thing my therapist said to me, after clarifying a few names and relationships of people that I mentioned, was “well, this will be a good test for you.”  All of life is a test when you’re taking serious steps towards modifying your body to match your gender identity- but this particular test covered several aspects of my life.  What my therapist was mostly interested in was if I was able to remain positive, balance my intense graduate program with my transition, keep working on direct communication, and continue to build the self-esteem and confidence that have been vital to my physical transition.

Yep, I’m absolutely still positive.  My life is going to continue to improve as I’m headed towards top surgery and I’ve worked hard to get myself into a good graduate program that basically ensures a secure future.

For the most part… I’ve been able to balance my graduate program with my transition.  Part of the “test” that I endured was the loss of a significant amount of research and several dressing downs from my advisor as a result from my mistakes.  I’m making progress again, but I still have a lot of ground to make up as well as I know that my boss is seriously concerned about my abilities as a researcher.

I wish I would have had more time to keep up with my family since my trip to St.Louis.  I know that they have been taking vacations and I could pass it off on that, but I have been so busy I couldn’t honestly tell you when they’ve been gone.  It’s frustrating because I was able to talk with them easier than I ever had before when I was in St.Louis, and I really liked that.  It’s just another thing to look forward to in the future, as my schedule fluctuates with the seasons, I know that my relationships with my family members can continue to improve.

My self-esteem has been the hardest part to preserve.  Maybe self-worth is a better term for it.  At any rate, failing at several aspects of your life at once is a royal pain.  I was able to remind myself that I know that I’m a good person, that I’m smart, caring, etc, but the feelings were downright overwhelming at times.  It was hard to remember that I’m intelligent when all I could feel was the failure of my research and disapproval of my boss.  Kicking that took remembering all of the other times when I’ve failed in school and that I was able to climb back up from the bottom rung.  It was hard to remember that I’m a good boyfriend when all I could feel was the rejection of the woman I was dating and the nonsensical reasons for the sudden end.  Kicking that took remembering dozens of little things that I like about myself that mean that people like dating me. It was hard to remember that my sense of self is valid when I spent quite a bit of time with people that didn’t always call me Drew and rarely used male pronouns.  Kicking that took remembering the refreshing validation that came from my legal name change.  There were a lot of feelings of disconnect from everything I had worked for in the last year throughout all of the “test”.

Test passed?  Absolutely.  I’m still standing.  Life hurts from time to time, but picking up and moving on is the only way to survive.  I don’t always know what the next step is in every directions, but the way my life goes- at least one direction always has a step moving at a time.

More recently I sat on that same sofa, again fidgeting with my shoe, smiling a little, my head held high, rambling through the recent events of my life.  Life is going to have to be a hell of a lot shittier before I’m going to give up my resolve.  Best way to be prepared for any more “tests”?  Continue to unapologetically be myself.  I can be proud of that, and that’s the strongest way to get the future that I want.

I Love Science

I do love science, and one of my favorite parts about it is the way in which we share information in peer-reviewed journal articles.  There hasn’t been much research on transgendered people, especially the “rare” female-to-male variety… and as I filled out the MMPI for the unpteenth time as a part of my participation in a study on the mental effects of testosterone on transmen, it occured to me that I’ve done countless google searches for accredited resources and information to aid my transition as well as consulted with multiple doctors, but I haven’t exactly delved into the scientific resources directly.

And thus began my journey.  I’m not going to pretend to understand the statistics or psychological methodology, I’m just going to bring forward highlights from my search.  First, my general notes and comments:

• There’s virtually nothing on FTM transgendered people before the 1980’s.
• I don’t recall a single article pre-1990 that included more than 10 people in the sample.
• To my frustration, in articles prior to 1990-2000’s, males that were born in female bodies are referred to as transgendered females, and vice versa for MTF transgendered people.  Not only was it flat out confusing at first, once I figured out the backwards system I was appalled by how little these researchers must have understood their subjects to label them with the opposite gender to which they identified with.
• There’s still not much in the journals on transgendered issues, the majority of the articles I found covered surgical techniques. (which we know I am grateful for surgical techniques, but there’s still a lot of ground to cover in general)

Onto the articles.

1. It has been shown that gays and lesbians have a higher occurrence of being non-right hand dominant, and a study done in England with nearly 100 FTMs and over 400 MTFs.  They concluded that in addition to homosexuals, transsexuals are also more apt to being non-right handed.  The hand-dominance is of significance because it brings support for the prenatal hormone exposure influencing ones sexual orientation and gender identity.  I’m left-handed, by the way.
   Archives of Sexual Behavior, Vol. 30, No. 6, December 2001
2. While voice therapy/coaching is prevalent for people transitioning male-to-female, it is virtually unheard of for those transitioning female-to-male.  It is generally accepted that the introduction of testosterone from hormonal gender reassignment changes the voice of a transman (umm, have you listened to my videos?) but there were 1, maybe 2 articles on the voice change of a female-to-male transexual. Sixteen transmen with over a year of hormone use returned a questionnaire for a study run in Belgium in the 1990’s.  Almost all reported that they had wanted/expected a faster or more pronounced change in their voice from the testosterone, but they also reported that others did notice their change.  In addition to those 16 participants, a more in-depth look was taken of 2 transmen and the frequencies of their voices.  With such a small sample, virtually no conclusive results can be drawn except that testosterone therapy did indeed reduce the pitch of their voices.
   Int. J. Lang. Comm. Dis., 2000, Vol. 35, No. 3, 427–442
3. I was pleased to see an article covering the availability/comfort of gynecologic care for transmen conducted in 2008.  While the conclusions were somewhat “duh” for me, I hope that the article reaches at least a few clinics that may someday have a transmale patient.  Transmen know that they still need to receive gynecological medical attention, but several barriers get in the way of doing that.  For transmen without reconstructed chests, breasts cause serious gender identity conflict, which would make a breast exam extremely uncomfortable despite the fact that breast cancer does not discriminate based on gender.  Beyond that, pronoun usage and binary boxes on intake forms are difficult to navigate for some in the setting of a gynecological exam.  (I swear, I’m going to stop avoiding healthcare after surgery)
   J. Midwifery Womens Health 2008;53:331–337
4. The last article that I’m going to mention was one that I really appreciated reading because it presented in a quantitative format what I’m trying to say when I say that life is better and easier for me now that I am on testosterone.  A study run from San Francisco but largely conducted over the internet by survey questioned over 400 FTMs about their quality of life.  Firstly, in all categories but Role Physical and Bodily Pain, FTMs from the US reported a significantly different than norm quality of life. Mental health issues were a decrease in quality of life from the norm, but Physical Functioning and Physical Health Summary were an increase from norm. The use of hormone therapy caused a significant increase in quality of life from those who did not take testosterone, especially in categories such as Social Functioning, Role Emotional, and Mental Health. Participants that had received chest reconstruction surgery also reported a higher quality of life than FTMs that had not. The authors noted that they did not collect information on the quality of intimate relationships during the transitional period of beginning testosterone and chest reconstruction.  Win some, lose some.
   Quality of Life Research (2006) 15:1447–1457

If you don’t have access to any of these articles, feel free to shoot me an email (link on the right).  Also, if you know of an article that you think I might find interesting, please comment the citation below and I’ll be sure to read it.

Emotional Stereotypes of Testosterone

Stereotypes do come from somewhere, I admit that. However, in my experience, the negative stereotypes of transmen and the effects that testosterone has on their moods is largely rooted in the portrayals of transmen in the media and not in the truth of our lives.

I’ve heard it many times from partners of transmen who are beginning testosterone, including the person who was dating me, that they’re worried about changes in mood as a result of testosterone.

I’m going to start with the affirmative.  Yes, introducing testosterone to your body does change how your emotions work.  Within the first few days I felt like my emotional response had become supercharged. Over the next few months I’ve found it more difficult to cry, which had been my previous way of dispersing sad emotions.  These were internal changes to my life.

Now onto the that’s-a-load-of-bullshit part of this post.

Anyone that uses changes in their emotions as an excuse to suddenly act negatively towards other people is pathetic.  If a transman you know is suddenly a jerk at times, that’s not the testosterone talking, that’s a lack of character. No, I’m not saying it’s easy.  Your emotions really do change on testosterone.  I failed an exam about 6 days on testosterone and had no idea how to handle the panic and anger I was feeling.  Be responsible for yourself! (I was totally lame, skipped a party, went home, made dinner and spent some time thinking to myself)

Testosterone does not create new emotions.  Emotions are a developed response that result in large part from the years of experience we have as humans. As inexperienced babies the only emotions we had were happiness and sadness.  The more of the world we were exposed to, the more we learned to feel.  Testosterone is not going to suddenly add uncontrollable anger and rage to a healthy person’s emotional arsenal.  Testosterone would make it easy for an unhealthy person to let their anger and/or rage get out of control, and the same thing goes for the rest of their emotions.  Anger and rage are emotions that we do not often see healthy models for handling, which makes them the hardest of the emotions to adjust to when they are altered by testosterone.  This is no excuse for letting anger and rage become an uncontrollable part of your personality.  Testosterone does not make emotionally-balanced transmen turn into people with uncontrollable rage or anger.

Similarly to the cycle of hormones in an XX-female body, hormones in a transmale will cycle as well.  Advances of science allow the administration of testosterone to minimize the fluctuations of hormone levels.  Weekly injections of 50-100mg are common to achieve normal hormone levels.  There is still a hormonal cycle but it is not severe.  Many things that we do cause emotional changes and chemical cycles in our bodies- sleeping, eating sugary foods, exercising, drinking alcohol, and mental stressors such as school or work. If you survived the female hormonal cycles, you will survive the male hormonal cycles.

Be aware of how you’re feeling, and don’t take the changes out on the other people in your life.  Adjust internally, not externally.  You (a transmale starting testosterone) may have to make some life changes to help you accommodate the changes to your emotions.  I found that I needed to eat better to feel good and that I felt pent up if I didn’t exercise more.

Everyone will change differently.

No one should use testosterone as an excuse to have poor character.

Testosterone is a tool that can help a transman physically be the person he wants to be, but it up to him to emotionally be a person that he is proud of.

Preparing to Have Top Surgery: A Look Through June, July, and August

Top surgery is a change that I’ve known that I’ve wanted for years, beyond the transition, beyond the gender crisis, beyond my realization that I have to own my own life.  Top surgery is tenatively around August 9th- or 51 days from now.  Unfortunately, life is going to be a hell of a rocky road between now and then, and I’m having trouble keeping my head up.  So I’m breaking down exactly what there is coming up and what I should be doing- goals and obstacles that I can handle one at a time.

1. I’ve got to get my good workouts back.  Taking a vacation right after getting hurt at a softball tournament destroyed my momentum, and I’ve been feeling a little sedentary.  Yes, I have 3 nights of softball a week, but it isn’t quite a lifting routine or running >2 miles.  Being in good shape for surgery is going to improve the results, plain and simple.  Far beyond that is how much better I feel emotionally when I’m working out regularly.
2. Pride is next weekend!  I am excited, for serious.  It’s going to be a little different than I originally was hoping for (pride weekend with a girlfriend vs. being single) but this is my first pride in the Twin Cities and my first pride out as a transman.
3. I’m teaching now, twice a week for 3-4 hours at a time. This adds lesson prep and grading to my life, but it also adds a break in the monotony of sitting at my desk and a chance to have fun doing something that I love.  The summer session runs right up until the week before when I will have surgery, so I’m in for 50 days of laughing, star stickers, frustration, and learning.
4. Two of my good friends will be gone for the entire month July. This is making me pretty nervous especially with how I’m also nervous that I’ll be lonely following surgery.  I’m pretty much going to have to accept that I’m going to be a little isolated for a while and take comfort in the activities that I have and the people around me that I’m not close to.  Maybe unexpected friends will come of this, maybe I’ll find more internal strength, maybe July won’t be as long as it looks.
5. I am going on a week-long trip in the end of July for a course in actinide chemistry.  It’s going to be a great experience for both learning and networking, but getting set up for that trip has been a bit awkward as they have to run a background check and my SSN is still listed as a female.
6. Every day the chest dysphoria seems to get worse.  I hear myself but when I see myself there is a lot of conflict.  I got stuck getting my binders off last week, which was a very frustrating moment.
7. There’s a lot of research to get done through June and July.  I’m getting a little nervous about having enough done before my surgery- but here’s the confusing part- I KNOW that I’m determined enough to just get through it.  I know that I have a good project and when this circus-type hoopla gets sorted out I should be able to power forward.  I’m concerned I’m going to let the rest of life get in the way.
8. There is still a lot to do specifically FOR surgery.  My therapists are sending their letter to the surgeon, who then passes all the paperwork along to the insurance company, who get to decide my fate and probably try to screw me over.  I need to check on their cap for coverage at the hospital they claim to cover and make sure I wouldn’t just be better off going to the surgical center that the surgeon prefers even though it’s off network. Once the insurance is approved, the date will be set and I can start getting plane tickets and letting people know.  I also have to apply for a loan to be able to cover the total cost 2 weeks ahead of time (BEFORE I go on my trip in July).
9. Beyond the stress and pain I’ve had from the strained family relationships resulting from disagreement about my choice to transition now and my transition being used as the excuse for cheating and bailing out of an otherwise good romantic relationship, surgery will be a very liberating thing.  At the moment, I also see it a bit as a barrier to life.  I’d like to be able to see straight through to my written exam and oral defense.  I’d like to be dating again without worrying that my surgery will be used against me again.  I’d like to not fear new friendships as I’ll immediately be a burden to them.  How to get past seeing surgery as a restrictive barrier instead of liberating milestone?  I don’t really have a shit clue.  I’m just going to keep approaching it and when the moment arrives, I know it’s going to be one of the best moments of my life.

July is going to be excruciatingly long, but August will be the month that I’ve waited forever for.    I feel a little like I’m stuck in limbo right now, so I guess I need to tuck my head down and power through.

Video: 14 Weeks on T

On “Vacation”: Quick Check-In

I made a video, but I’m too exhausted to get it uploaded.  My trip has gone very well and I’m having a great time- but I’m still frustrated by the fact that I couldn’t do anything about the timing of this trip in relation to my personal life and how my research was going.  This trip is really important to my relationships with my family- there has already been some good connections made.  Seeing both friends from high school and undergrad has been very encouraging and a ton of fun.  It is weird being back in this house after having lived completely on my own for a year though.

Lately I’ve been pretty torn up emotionally.  My relationship fell apart right before I left Minneapolis, and I’ve put a lot into keeping it together and pulling it back together.  I finally realized that she has to want to be in it and take care of herself enough to be capable of it- the entire downward spiral of our relationship evolved from fears of me leaving down the road and apprehension for my top surgery.  Instead of working on these things with me, a third party has been added to the mix.  I’m on “vacation” and have no idea what I’m returning home to in Minneapolis.  We haven’t really been in contact, and it’s killing me.  She could want to be with me and working on it, or she could be happily “moved on” to the other person.

Shifting Frames of Reference

I’ve had a couple interesting experiences this weekend that I thought I’d share.

I made it my goal to pick myself up out of my slump this weekend so that when I travel to St.Louis I can at least not be a pathetic mess.  I put in the very last bit of emotional effort I had left with the girl I had been dating, trying to pull us back together.  I’ve realized that I can’t do all the fighting and that I have been not taking care of myself at all as a result of the heartbreak.  I didn’t notice that I wasn’t eating much until I nearly passed out in my research boss’ office, I didn’t notice that I haven’t been sleeping well until I physically could not lift myself out of bed after a 90min nap Friday, and I didn’t notice how long all this has been going on until I played softball abysmally today.

Fortunately, it’s the weekend of a GLBT softball tournament in the cities, so many teams from around the country have converged on my lovely hometown(s) for the memorial day weekend.  This means that Friday night there was a big party downtown and Saturday/Sunday there are plenty of games for me to immerse myself in.

I took a friend (female, lesbian) with me to the opening party on Friday night- we figured it would be nice to chill and have a night out.  When I was pre-T or even a few weeks on T, people would think that we were a couple… all the time.  We accidentally cock-blocked each other, and it was pretty sad.  She’s very sporty and while I think the idea of us as a couple is absolutely ridiculous (she’s awesome, just not my type and vice versa), everyone we would meet asked if we were together.  Even when we were standing on opposite sides of the pool table from each other.  At any rate, this time out was different.  The party was predominantly male, and I was quite often read (/checked out) as a guy.  Several times people felt me up to see what I had going on (while flattering, I got tired of it).  Wrong team guys, sorry.  Needless to say, the friend and I went for Taco Bell and to a more lesbian bar for dancing and a few games of pool.

I don’t intend to deceive anyone with my gender change.  I am who I am, and if you ask me anything about myself, I’m generally not only honest but very blunt about it.  That said, meeting a group of guys from the out-of-town team I’m playing for and not telling them that I’m trans has been nice.  I would be seriously surprised if they haven’t noticed something is up, but it’s just not an issue.  I am literally one of the guys, intense high-fives, butt slaps, and hollering in all. It is unfortunate that I’m so run down that I played abysmally today, but it was still a ton of fun.

I did come out to my team in one regard- one of the players, though I don’t know who, is apparently a straight guy.  Some of the guys were talking about this, and one went “wait, who’s straight?” and since we’re all laying in the grass between games, I raise my hand.  A couple quick glances, and the conversation continues.  I thought about trying to explain that I’m not really straight, I’m just a guy that’s attracted to women and lived as a female for 20-something years and has a vagina, but I really just want to play softball.

Passing more from the effects of T has really shifted my world. I’m finally getting used to assuming that I pass. I’m going to enjoy the rest of the weekend, go to bed early and play some good ball.

Unrelated: trimmed my hair before my trip to St.Louis and my new glasses.