Stressing Out

The closer surgery gets, the more excited I feel.  The more happy I get about surgery, the more I stand to lose if it doesn’t work out and the more upset I get with myself for counting on it happening… when by now I know that there’s certainly always a possibility that something will get turned around and I’ll have to deal with more bullshit.

Fortunately, there’s always working out.  A bonus of getting in shape is that I also feel like I’m working towards surgery by getting more in shape/staying healthy.

I’m cooking a tiny bit now.  My girlfriend has been doing very nearly all the cooking for us for the longest time, but in the recent week I’ve actually chipped in a little.  I’m not nearly the cook that she is, but I can certainly crank out a few edible and filling meals.  I enjoy being able to make food though, especially when it turns out yummy.

Last and certainly not least, I can just obsess about the never-ending snow and day to day grind until surgery is actually 48 hours away.

Sometimes, it’s just nice to laugh a little.

Gender/Body Dilemma: Security

I went back here.

Back to the Metrodome (Mall of America stadium), where just under a year ago I went for a baseball game and had a serious mental dilemma about my gender identity and if I was anywhere near passing.  That time through security, it was just a visual inspection for me.

This time, every single person through the line got a quick pat down.  Needless to say at this point I wasn’t going to try to use the female line  1) it mentally makes me feel incredibly out of place   2) I think plenty of people in the crowd would have given me second or even third glances if I had gotten into the female line.

I was bound and in a hooded sweatshirt.  Fortunately, it was over quickly and wasn’t intended to be very invasive.  Granted, I don’t think that a pat down that loose could detect any weapons if it couldn’t detect the chest I have at the moment, but that’s beside the point.

My point: seriously?  Just about gave me a heart attack standing between 2 huge guys praying to God that the person that I don’t know that’s running their hands over my torso doesn’t notice that my chest is uneven and make me pull my shirt flush against me. I had a bit of nightmare about it while napping later, but got over it.

All in all, it’s not a big deal. It went off without incident.  I’d just like it to be something I don’t have to worry about.

I have enough stress in life, … you know, the whole grad school thing.

In case you think that the visit to the stadium was all bad… it was an amazing time.  All in all, it was a completely different experience.  Instead of being the seventh wheel to 3 other couples, it was me and my faiapgirlfriend. Instead of scurrying into the women’s restroom, I just used the guy’s bathroom.  I got carded and had a male id instead of a female id.  I wish someone had told me last year that I would get to go back and it would be that much better.

Defining Gender

This is kind of rambly.  Sorry.  I’ve now entered an ~2month time where I’m writing essentially a masters thesis.

I get that there are hordes of people whose minds would be completely and thoroughly blown to know that there is a man walking among them with a vagina, two x chromosomes, and an affinity for dating queer-umbrella women.  I don’t care that they might misunderstand me, I don’t care that they might miss out on some of my favorite parts of who I am, I don’t care that they might be confused by my life- as long as they respect me as a person and we get to know each other for who we actually are.

I stumbled across this tweet by GenderFork: “I never want to be defined by my gender. Never. You define your gender. Your gender does not define you.”

It struck me because it’s true and especially applicable to my life.  There have been 2 major liberations from my transition. The first, being my decision to transition, to take the medical steps necessary to have a body that I am comfortable with.  The second, being my realization that a male identity, or any identity for that matter, should not give me a new set of rules to live by- but rather give me an opportunity to redraw for everyone what that kind of person is.

It’s been an interesting journey so far.  I’ve found that I actually like my isolated independence- how it forces me to reach out for emotional support while still allowing me to retain a large amount of autonomy.  This was particularly difficult when dealing with a really shitty summer, but I never know how strong I am until I weather stormy times.  I found that testosterone hasn’t changed my personality but it has certainly changed my attention span, learning style, and emotional response.  Most things I like about my body now didn’t even exist 9 months ago (with exception to my blond hair, blue eyes, and scars).  I’m still discovering how I want to keep my body- I started trimming the hair on my legs above the knee and I plan to keep my chest smooth… post surgery.  I don’t need to be able to grow facial hair to feel masculine.  I don’t need to walk around without my shirt on to feel masculine.  I don’t need a bulge in my pants to feel masculine. My idea of feeling more transitioned once I’ve had top surgery has been slashed, chopped, and diced.  My idea of feeling more transitioned in a steady relationship has been kicked in the crotch, smacked across the face, and doused in cold water.

I don’t know when I’m going to have top surgery, and it is probably the most devastating thing after surviving, and thriving, this last year.  I don’t know how to talk about it at this point, but I need to.

I do want a partner and a family, but I have too much going on in my life right now to do more than date and see where it goes in the following months.  I’m not undesirable, I’m not unwanted, I’m not withdrawn.  There is someone who I want to have a relationship with, but I know that all I can give mentally and emotionally right now is a day at a time.  The immediate past has been burned and the immediate future has me committed to my life as a grad student.

Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m offended when people question my maleness or the sexual orientation identity of my partners.  I know that it is the human curiosity kicking in when their narrow definition of genders and sexuality collides with my propensity to date queer-umbrella women, and I don’t fault them for that.  It’s the personal nature of my answer, well my genitals are …. and yes I’m a guy but …. and she is attracted to …., where I realize that it’s not really their business.  My gender, my relationships, any identity of my partners, are not less legitimate because you can’t understand them.  Maybe you don’t have to understand- quantum mechanics exists legitimately despite most people’s complete inability to understand it.  Respect.

It’s funny, because a year ago I was struggling to define who I was- I couldn’t even construct words to describe how undeniably male I felt, despite being stuck into a female body.  It was painful because I felt like my masculinity was compromised by my body, I could be as butch as I wanted but it always felt out of sync.  Now, I’ll just pick and choose my words… and let my life define what they mean.

So watch out world, this (educated, dyke, masculine, queer, nerd, heterosexual, handsome, cute, strong, cuddly, compassionate, flamboyant, awkward, butch) man is walking among you.

I’d hope that anyone who lives with dysphoria finds that first liberation and decides that getting a body that they would be comfortable living in is worth it.  I hope that everyone, regardless of gender, orientation, social status, eventually grows to know that they don’t need to be defined by any labels.

Emotional Stereotypes of Testosterone

Stereotypes do come from somewhere, I admit that. However, in my experience, the negative stereotypes of transmen and the effects that testosterone has on their moods is largely rooted in the portrayals of transmen in the media and not in the truth of our lives.

I’ve heard it many times from partners of transmen who are beginning testosterone, including the person who was dating me, that they’re worried about changes in mood as a result of testosterone.

I’m going to start with the affirmative.  Yes, introducing testosterone to your body does change how your emotions work.  Within the first few days I felt like my emotional response had become supercharged. Over the next few months I’ve found it more difficult to cry, which had been my previous way of dispersing sad emotions.  These were internal changes to my life.

Now onto the that’s-a-load-of-bullshit part of this post.

Anyone that uses changes in their emotions as an excuse to suddenly act negatively towards other people is pathetic.  If a transman you know is suddenly a jerk at times, that’s not the testosterone talking, that’s a lack of character. No, I’m not saying it’s easy.  Your emotions really do change on testosterone.  I failed an exam about 6 days on testosterone and had no idea how to handle the panic and anger I was feeling.  Be responsible for yourself! (I was totally lame, skipped a party, went home, made dinner and spent some time thinking to myself)

Testosterone does not create new emotions.  Emotions are a developed response that result in large part from the years of experience we have as humans. As inexperienced babies the only emotions we had were happiness and sadness.  The more of the world we were exposed to, the more we learned to feel.  Testosterone is not going to suddenly add uncontrollable anger and rage to a healthy person’s emotional arsenal.  Testosterone would make it easy for an unhealthy person to let their anger and/or rage get out of control, and the same thing goes for the rest of their emotions.  Anger and rage are emotions that we do not often see healthy models for handling, which makes them the hardest of the emotions to adjust to when they are altered by testosterone.  This is no excuse for letting anger and rage become an uncontrollable part of your personality.  Testosterone does not make emotionally-balanced transmen turn into people with uncontrollable rage or anger.

Similarly to the cycle of hormones in an XX-female body, hormones in a transmale will cycle as well.  Advances of science allow the administration of testosterone to minimize the fluctuations of hormone levels.  Weekly injections of 50-100mg are common to achieve normal hormone levels.  There is still a hormonal cycle but it is not severe.  Many things that we do cause emotional changes and chemical cycles in our bodies- sleeping, eating sugary foods, exercising, drinking alcohol, and mental stressors such as school or work. If you survived the female hormonal cycles, you will survive the male hormonal cycles.

Be aware of how you’re feeling, and don’t take the changes out on the other people in your life.  Adjust internally, not externally.  You (a transmale starting testosterone) may have to make some life changes to help you accommodate the changes to your emotions.  I found that I needed to eat better to feel good and that I felt pent up if I didn’t exercise more.

Everyone will change differently.

No one should use testosterone as an excuse to have poor character.

Testosterone is a tool that can help a transman physically be the person he wants to be, but it up to him to emotionally be a person that he is proud of.

Top Surgery Freakout (#1)

I am about 40 days out from when I would like to have surgery. I might have a chance again in early December, I might have a chance again in Spring 2011. Those are only chances. I’m starting to get nervous that I won’t be able to get my shit together in time for August.

Two weeks before the surgery date the entire surgeons fee must be paid in full. I’m planning on paying this by medical loan while I wait for partial reimbursement by my health insurance company. I need to have the cash on hand for the portion that I won’t be reimbursed by so I don’t have to get a loan for that portion and get hit with more financing costs. I just don’t make enough in a year to make ends meet and clean up a financial disaster. This has to stay clean.

I’ve been really uncomfortable with my chest lately. Being outside at Pride was fantastic except that there were tons of guys without their shirts on and it made me cringe to think about as I itched under my binders. Between being so much closer to the physical being that I know I am in terms of a lower voice and other effects from the testosterone, part of the testosterone is making my emotions bigger- including the dysphoria. I feel stronger anxiety when I worry about my chest. I hate my chest even more when I get out of the shower. I have even more trouble looking down without my binders on.

I don’t even bother talking myself into taking my binders off most nights. I don’t exactly feel super snuggly with them on, but when you’re sleeping by yourself all that matters is that when you wake up your first feeling of the day isn’t overwhelming dysphoria. Sleeping in my binders has actually made getting up and going every morning a lot easier to bear on an emotional level. Unfortunately my binders conformed to my pre-T body, and as my torso changes with the effects of testosterone the binders are beginning to rub against my ribs.

As much as I’m looking forward to surgery, I know that it would be a good idea for me to trim my hair short to make it easier to keep clean after the surgery… but I love my hair now.  Sort of dreading cutting it at this point.  I guess it’s a decision I’ll have to make when the time comes.

I haven’t had time to work out as much lately. Playing softball is fantastically social, which I’ve found that I need more than the more intense physical activity of working out on my own, but it’s not the same as the workouts I was doing before. I am honestly happy with the fitness of my body now, going into surgery and getting results that I am comfortable with- however I get nervous that I will loose this progress between now and surgery. As long as I can keep running regularly for the next 40 days, I should be able to maintain myself. Just as long as work doesn’t get to crazy, I can keep it up.

This week I’ve made it my goal to get my shit together for surgery. I know that I’m not going to be able to get everything taken care of, but I’m going to simplify my life and get the ball rolling again. Name change stuff is pretty much taken care of, so I’m going to put aside stressing about making sure that it’s all ok and just move on. My IDs are changed, my health insurance is finally changed, and my plane tickets for the end of July are under Drew. I’m done with my name change until something actually comes up, to do lists are being taken down and I’m going to let myself just live my life.

I know that there are plenty of things that I won’t be able to absolutely plan for a few more weeks at least. I’m going to try to let those things go, and not let them fester in the back of my mind quite so much.  Staying positive and moving forward has gotten me through so much, I don’t doubt it’s ability to work now.

Step one: Enjoy today.  Do things that make me happy.  Work towards a good future.  Smile.

While having coffee with a friend earlier today, we were laughing about the dramedy of our lives and she was telling me how a cismale that is on our softball team asked another guy if “that Drew guy is gay, because he sort of acts gay.”  The other guy gave a great answer and explained that I’m straight but only because I’m so queer.  (I love it when people are ok disclosing that I’m transgender, there’s no need for it to be a secret) As my friend and I laughed about how simple my rather complicated situation is, I quipped:

I may be straight, but my vagina is a lesbian.

Sorry you nearly choked on your coffee, friend.

Preparing to Have Top Surgery: A Look Through June, July, and August

Top surgery is a change that I’ve known that I’ve wanted for years, beyond the transition, beyond the gender crisis, beyond my realization that I have to own my own life.  Top surgery is tenatively around August 9th- or 51 days from now.  Unfortunately, life is going to be a hell of a rocky road between now and then, and I’m having trouble keeping my head up.  So I’m breaking down exactly what there is coming up and what I should be doing- goals and obstacles that I can handle one at a time.

1. I’ve got to get my good workouts back.  Taking a vacation right after getting hurt at a softball tournament destroyed my momentum, and I’ve been feeling a little sedentary.  Yes, I have 3 nights of softball a week, but it isn’t quite a lifting routine or running >2 miles.  Being in good shape for surgery is going to improve the results, plain and simple.  Far beyond that is how much better I feel emotionally when I’m working out regularly.
2. Pride is next weekend!  I am excited, for serious.  It’s going to be a little different than I originally was hoping for (pride weekend with a girlfriend vs. being single) but this is my first pride in the Twin Cities and my first pride out as a transman.
3. I’m teaching now, twice a week for 3-4 hours at a time. This adds lesson prep and grading to my life, but it also adds a break in the monotony of sitting at my desk and a chance to have fun doing something that I love.  The summer session runs right up until the week before when I will have surgery, so I’m in for 50 days of laughing, star stickers, frustration, and learning.
4. Two of my good friends will be gone for the entire month July. This is making me pretty nervous especially with how I’m also nervous that I’ll be lonely following surgery.  I’m pretty much going to have to accept that I’m going to be a little isolated for a while and take comfort in the activities that I have and the people around me that I’m not close to.  Maybe unexpected friends will come of this, maybe I’ll find more internal strength, maybe July won’t be as long as it looks.
5. I am going on a week-long trip in the end of July for a course in actinide chemistry.  It’s going to be a great experience for both learning and networking, but getting set up for that trip has been a bit awkward as they have to run a background check and my SSN is still listed as a female.
6. Every day the chest dysphoria seems to get worse.  I hear myself but when I see myself there is a lot of conflict.  I got stuck getting my binders off last week, which was a very frustrating moment.
7. There’s a lot of research to get done through June and July.  I’m getting a little nervous about having enough done before my surgery- but here’s the confusing part- I KNOW that I’m determined enough to just get through it.  I know that I have a good project and when this circus-type hoopla gets sorted out I should be able to power forward.  I’m concerned I’m going to let the rest of life get in the way.
8. There is still a lot to do specifically FOR surgery.  My therapists are sending their letter to the surgeon, who then passes all the paperwork along to the insurance company, who get to decide my fate and probably try to screw me over.  I need to check on their cap for coverage at the hospital they claim to cover and make sure I wouldn’t just be better off going to the surgical center that the surgeon prefers even though it’s off network. Once the insurance is approved, the date will be set and I can start getting plane tickets and letting people know.  I also have to apply for a loan to be able to cover the total cost 2 weeks ahead of time (BEFORE I go on my trip in July).
9. Beyond the stress and pain I’ve had from the strained family relationships resulting from disagreement about my choice to transition now and my transition being used as the excuse for cheating and bailing out of an otherwise good romantic relationship, surgery will be a very liberating thing.  At the moment, I also see it a bit as a barrier to life.  I’d like to be able to see straight through to my written exam and oral defense.  I’d like to be dating again without worrying that my surgery will be used against me again.  I’d like to not fear new friendships as I’ll immediately be a burden to them.  How to get past seeing surgery as a restrictive barrier instead of liberating milestone?  I don’t really have a shit clue.  I’m just going to keep approaching it and when the moment arrives, I know it’s going to be one of the best moments of my life.

July is going to be excruciatingly long, but August will be the month that I’ve waited forever for.    I feel a little like I’m stuck in limbo right now, so I guess I need to tuck my head down and power through.

Video: 14 Weeks on T

Overload

Wow.  I’m thinking about a lot lately. It’s probably because I have a lot going on, but nevertheless, here are some of the things swirling around in my head.

• Let’s just start with Wednesday being 100 days on T.  Hoooly cow.  Has it really been that long?  I had a few fears with starting T, and while one of them has come true, the other 2 haven’t been a problem.  What’s not a problem?- Nobody has told me that I smell bad now, and I haven’t stopped being the person I want to be and become some random jerk.  What is a problem?- a lot of my clothes don’t fit (as well) anymore, and I can’t really afford new clothes.  My stepmom did take me shopping when I was on “vacation” and I got a few pairs of shorts (since I had 1-2) and some actual dress pants (since I had none).  Premium.
• I had a rather surreal experience yesterday.  My mind was really busy flipping through the things that I need to be doing for work and fitting that all in with taking care of myself, so I took a little time to have a quick drive around before spending some time at a friends- and as I was driving around I remembered about something I had left in my car.  Last summer, at the end of my 5 year relationship, I had a 7 hour drive back home.  Plenty of time to listen to angry music, talk to myself, and take the ring off that I had been wearing on my ring finger… and I left it in my car.  It was funny to me that my left ring finger is far too swollen right now from a softball injury to even consider putting the ring back where it was, but even my right ring finger is now a bit bigger and there was no way the ring was going on.  The ring itself is thin and not something you’d typically see on a more masculine person, and the band is beaten up from years of being worn- my hands do a lot of work.  That ring is never going back on, though it was a good time in my life.  I’m a different person now, even physically.
• I haven’t done much towards top surgery in recent weeks minus putting in some time at my extra job for the cash I need- the insurance paperwork isn’t done and the date isn’t set yet.  As of yesterday, I didn’t even know who my primary caretaker would be.  Talking to my parents about my surgery made it very clear that their position that I shouldn’t be having the surgery yet is going to be getting in the way of their ability to really be there for me both physically and emotionally.  It’s not that they don’t love me, it’s just that they loved me so much before and haven’t let go enough to see that this surgery will end a lot of pain.  Yesterday- I called my old roommate.  We lived together for 2 years in undergrad, the last 2 where we took intense classes together and had to plot out what we would do post graduation.  She named me Dz, she got that about me.  I offered to pay for her plane tickets if she would be willing to take me to/from my surgery and stay with me for the following 2-3 days to be there for me as my primary support, because I just don’t know who I can count on like that right now.  The certainty with which she said “absolutely”, without hesitation, in the voice that I know she only uses when she’s already thought about something, just about broke me.  Now I KNOW that there is going to be someone taking care of me when I can’t take care of myself.  Once the worst days are over, I will be strong enough to ask people for help- friends I work with, transguys I know in the area, and any other friends that live nearby- but it’s in those first few days when I will be too fragile and vulnerable to be willing to ask anyone for help, that I need people in my life that will be there, without hesitation.
• I just threw out a month’s worth of research.  All down the drain.  I need to get my brain more engaged with the research that I’m doing, because I know that my masters degree and continuation towards my PhD hinges on this.  I have to remember how to be assertive and believe in everything that I’ve learned so far.  I am an intelligent person, but somehow that’s gotten lost in the shit I’ve dealt with recently and not so recently.
• I actually saw the person that I was falling for the last 3 months on Saturday.  I don’t mean in the physical sense, I mean in the emotional sense.  After 3 weeks of wondering what the hell happened, why she was doing everything but tell me what she was afraid of, and how on earth it was fair that someone else’s second chance cut off my first chance, I have a glimmer of hope that someday she’ll come after me.  I’ve spent a lot of emotional energy chasing after her, and I know that the only way I can actually trust that she wants to be with me is if that stops and the tables are turned.
• Today is my first day back teaching.  The last time I was in the classroom was at less than 2 months on T. Now I’m past 3 months on T, will I be passing more?  I’m just trying to channel some of the confidence I’ve gained from the lessening dysphoria so that it can be a good experience.  It is the job that pays the bills, after all.  I should be getting my evaluations back from the previous semester soon, and I’m uncertain what those will bring.  It was a fun semester, but I really don’t want to find out that my transition got in the way of my teaching.
• My documents are still not ALL under the right name.  The biggest problem being that my health insurance is still under the old name, and I never intend on submitting my top surgery paperwork under anything but Drew.  Fighting with fax machines, calling 15 people to get the right answer, and waiting 1 month for my new license to come in the mail is not a walk in the park.
• The next 2 weekends are going to be pretty awesome. This weekend will be a big picnic for the gay softball league I play on and our All-Star game and the weekend following that is Pride!  No matter what happens this week, I know that there’s a lot to enjoy in the future.

Optimism and Positivity

I’m an optimist. I’m an optimist until it hurts.  and then some.

At any rate, I’m also generally pretty positive- when things go downhill I try to stay facing up.  I could find the silver lining in the cloud of soot above a coal-fueled power plant.  Even if the glass isn’t half full, I’m just glad if it has something in it.

What’s awesome in my life right now?

• I get a lot of support at work.  Between my group members, the secretaries that know *who* I am, and the nearly-random people that are also in the department, I get a lot of encouragement.  It makes it a lot easier to think that you can do something when there’s even one person rooting for you.  When its pretty much your whole department… you don’t just think you can do it, you know you can do it.
• The changes to my body from working out and being on T for over 2 months means that I am easily strong enough to make the throw from shortstop to first base… which means I’ve essentially been promoted.  Rock on.  I love the infield.
• Name change stuff is really coming together.  I have new checks, my credit card bill came for Drew, and my debit card came in the mail last weekend.  It’s so queer… I love it.
• When I went to the SSA office, the teller asked for a letter from my surgeons to change my gender marker.  I calmly told her that what’s in my pants is no one else’s business.  The look on her face still makes me smile. (I have to go back and change my gender marker once I get my new birth certificate)
• No period. At all.  Definitely should have had one if I was going to… I approve.
• I ordered new glasses.  They’re super hot and nerdtastic.  I’ll have them by Monday.
• I don’t notice my voice change much anymore, but people still remark how it’s continuing to drop.  Makes me look forward to teaching even more!

Minnesota Transgender Health Coalition Conference

Wow.

That was a great experience.  The timing was really perfect for me, and very empowering.

A refresher on me:  I’m just shy of 10 weeks on T, planning my top surgery, chemistry graduate student, currently dating.

So, what did the conference bring up for me:

• I am now yet again undecided on which surgeon I want to use.  I really want to be smart about how I invest in this.
• I’m not quite as ashamed of my beer belly, after seeing more realistic bodies at the surgery results show and tell.
• I’m infuriated by my own internalized transphobia.
• I’m still pondering a mixed experience I had with passing outside at the bus stop.

I want to write more on each of these topics as I really get the chance to mull them over… so, more to come for each of them.