Your Idiocy is Flattering

Every so often, I get surprised by something.  It’s not that I’m not expecting really random things to happen to me… because let’s face it, that’s one of the things I love about life… but really, random stuff happens to me that doesn’t always make a ton of sense.

This morning I finally had the surgery consult with surgeon #2, Dr. Buckley.  I’m honestly so overwhelmed with the stuff going on in my life right now that I have no idea what I think about the surgeon/what surgeon I would like to use when my insurance eventually approves me/how I’m going to be maneuvering with insurance next…. but I have a funny story.

The 1st nurse I saw and I had a fun time navigating the conversation to her finally getting that I am xx-chromosomed.

“What are you here for?”

“Chest reconstruction surgery.”

“Oh.  Was it an accident?”

“Nope.”

“Defect?”

“Yeah.”

“Is it congenital?”

“I suppose you could say that.”

“Is there any pain associated with it?”

“Not really, just from binding.”

…This went on and on for quite some time, until she got to the “what medications are you currently taking” portion of the interview, when I explained that I’m on 50mg of testosterone cypionate a week.  She was shocked that I injected it myself, and I honestly have no idea if she ever really got that I have a mixed physiology.

And now onto nurse #2.  She interacted with the nurse #1 for a brief moment, during which they both referred to me as he and Drew.  Nurse #2 sat down with me and explained the photograph policy (photographs taken for use in education/presentations), and at the end, (are you ready for this, I almost lol-ed in her face)… she asked if I was there for breast implants.

Ok, now that I’m done laughing (for the 4th time about this) I have to say that despite the fact that these 2 nurse’s complete ignorance of transgendered people’s existence… the fact that this person thought that I had been born male and didn’t have (mother-freaking-huge-breasts-that-I-bind-every-freaking-day) a non-flat chest was pretty awesome.

In case anyone is wondering- I’m still binding with 2 underworks 997’s at a time, and it’s working out well.

Gender/Body Dilemma: Security

I went back here.

Back to the Metrodome (Mall of America stadium), where just under a year ago I went for a baseball game and had a serious mental dilemma about my gender identity and if I was anywhere near passing.  That time through security, it was just a visual inspection for me.

This time, every single person through the line got a quick pat down.  Needless to say at this point I wasn’t going to try to use the female line  1) it mentally makes me feel incredibly out of place   2) I think plenty of people in the crowd would have given me second or even third glances if I had gotten into the female line.

I was bound and in a hooded sweatshirt.  Fortunately, it was over quickly and wasn’t intended to be very invasive.  Granted, I don’t think that a pat down that loose could detect any weapons if it couldn’t detect the chest I have at the moment, but that’s beside the point.

My point: seriously?  Just about gave me a heart attack standing between 2 huge guys praying to God that the person that I don’t know that’s running their hands over my torso doesn’t notice that my chest is uneven and make me pull my shirt flush against me. I had a bit of nightmare about it while napping later, but got over it.

All in all, it’s not a big deal. It went off without incident.  I’d just like it to be something I don’t have to worry about.

I have enough stress in life, … you know, the whole grad school thing.

In case you think that the visit to the stadium was all bad… it was an amazing time.  All in all, it was a completely different experience.  Instead of being the seventh wheel to 3 other couples, it was me and my faiapgirlfriend. Instead of scurrying into the women’s restroom, I just used the guy’s bathroom.  I got carded and had a male id instead of a female id.  I wish someone had told me last year that I would get to go back and it would be that much better.

Fall!

A few quick blurbs.

• This summer can go screw itself.  I’m glad that it’s over, because I want the opportunity to try again. I did however have an excellent “vacation” this last weekend where I barely even checked my email for 48 hours- mostly slept, ate, and played uno. What a great way to draw a close to a shitty time and move towards starting things better.
• Fall is here, the air is slightly chilly and it feels great.  The two major failures of the summer are being reworked- I’m essentially starting the top surgery process all over again and I’m dating the person that left me in May.  It’s interesting how things turn out.
• In the next few weeks I’m going to be harassing the health insurance company until I get some answers and scheduling another top surgery consult.  I chose Tholen before based on the insensitivity of the office that Buckley works out of, and I know that I’m a stronger person now (thanks a lot, shitty summer) that won’t take that kind of crap (they sent me mail to my birth name after it wasn’t even my legal name).  I’d like to have surgery after Christmas, but that’s too far off for my to plan it right now.
• I’ve got this strange disconnected feeling right now… disconnected from my own life a little.  I’m incredibly short-sighted right now… like I don’t have an idea what I’m going to have for dinner or what I’m doing tonight other than I need to lift and work my ass off like always.  At the same time, I was holding a little boy (~3months old) this weekend- he had started to fuss and cry as he fought falling asleep, and as I cradled him closely and bounced slowly, all I could think about was that I want one… like in a few years, not “sometime down the road”.
• I effing love the fall, weatherwise.  Living in Minnesota means that the winter is a little daunting, but fall is legitimately chilly and it means that I can layer up, be comfortable, and cuddle to my hearts content.  Being able to dress in more layers (comfortably) takes a lot of stress off of my chest dysphoria, which is good right now because (see next point).
• My binders have been hurting lately.  My body shape has been changing (for the better), and the way my binders fit is changing, and somehow I think it is bruising my ribcage.  About 2 weeks ago I had some pretty intense pain while out at dinner that felt like a cross between ridiculous heartburn and a side cramp, and every moment I thought it was going to go away until I was about to double over.  It made it a little difficult to breathe, but fortunately it ended up passing after a bit over an hour.  This pain has returned with less severity several times since, but fortunately not with that intensity.
• I really love tiedye.

Swimming!

Just keep swimming.

I don’t like to let any level of ableness get in the way of me doing something that I would enjoy, especially when the barrier is a mental thing.  Today, I conquered the swimming pool by tackling the intense chest dysphoria that comes along with it.

I love playing around in water and the group of students that are staying in the same hotel as I am hopped in the pool after today’s meetings/tours.  It is hot as hell in South Carolina and I knew everyone was having a lot of fun in the pool. …I did bring my swim trunks on the trip, hoping I would have the chance to get in a pool.  I did just want to lay in bed and pretend that I didn’t know about all the fun I could be having.  I was certainly petrified both of what people would say about me wearing a shirt in the pool as well as what the shirt would look like on me all wet.

Only one person asked if I was going to take my shirt off, and it was easily dismissed.  That really wasn’t a problem.  In a group of scientists, it’s abnormal to not be quirky.

It was really awkward, wearing 2 binders and a tshirt- wet.  The binders amazingly stayed tucked into my swim trunks for quite some time, but the tshirt was clinging to my body and I have far too much chest for that. I avoided getting out of the water when I could and did my best to focus on the games that we were playing.

It was a double-edged sword that the people in the pool (as far as I know) don’t know that I’m trans.  On one hand, I didn’t feel like they would be looking for my chest, which is a feeling I get when I’m with people or in a place where it’s obvious I’m xx and pre-surgery. On the other hand, I knew it must look funny to these people for me to have a chest, if they saw it, and I hate that it looks that way even if they don’t know why.

It was certainly a kick to the gut to be fighting with surgery stuff still when I went swimming.  Everything I do, every day I live, every breath I take, is altered by my chest dysphoria.  I try to avoid from letting it keep me from living, but it’s really not easy.  I don’t want to get up tomorrow morning and put the 2nd binder on.  I don’t want a bunch of people to see me as I’m traveling because I know my chest might be visible.  I don’t want to feel my chest as I’m sitting on the airplane trying to think about my research.  I don’t want to consider going swimming again for a while.  I don’t want my chest to be there, when I’m eating, sleeping, working, or relaxing.  My chest is not my chest, I don’t want it as a part of my life.

It felt good to do my shot today after swimming.  It felt good to get some research done tonight.  It felt good to laugh and talk and forget about my chest, letting it get swept away with the other things happening for me. Surgery just isn’t one of them at the moment.

More Changes from T

It’s like I woke up Monday morning, and my hips were gone.

I know it didn’t actually happen overnight, but within the last 1-2 weeks, the shape of my hips has drastically changed in how my clothes fit.  I wear dress shirts with the fitted cut in a 14 1/2 so that they actually fit my body (reminder: I’m a little guy), but I would have to accept that when the dress shirts hit my hips, they, well, hit my hips.  Instead of hanging down over my hips, they would bunch up on my hips.  Now I can tuck the shirt right into my pants.  To be honest, I wasn’t even sure I was wearing the right shirt today except I asked a friend to check the tag when she got to our office this morning.

All of my clothes fit a little differently now actually- my shorts that I bought in the beginning of June sit a little lower and my binders are digging into my ribcage around my upper chest. I’m more satisfied with how I look with binders look on, despite being more and more frustrated with having to wear them.

One of my close friends swears I grew an inch (that would put me all the way to 5 foot 2!!!!) but I’m not convinced.  When I go for a physical and blood work in late July I’ll ask them to measure me.

I am growing more body hair.  It’s all relative. I have blond hair so the hair on my arms is still very light, but the hair on my legs is darkening more and is actually visible on my thighs.  The hair on my stomach is slightly darker but still very sparse, though its started a thin trail up to my chest.  The backs of my hands are covered in lots of short blond hairs, I pet them sometimes to entertain myself.  I’ve had 3-5 dark hairs on my chin for the last month, and lots of very pale slow-growing stubble around my jaw. The sideburns are getting a little more dense, but I’m continuing to shave about once a week to keep from just looking femininely fuzzy.  Hair, facial and overall on my body is not something that I care much for.  It bothered me when the hair on the lower parts of my legs wasn’t really visible, but that stage passed about a month ago.  My hairline has receded a tiny bit in the corners of my forehead, but my hair isn’t thinning and based on family history I’m not worried about it.

Even with my pretty much complete lack of weight lifting lately, my muscle tone hasn’t decreased from where it was a month ago.  I’m satisfied with where I’m at with my arms and shoulders right now, so I’m not concerned with building more- but I don’t want to loose what I have. I have pudge, especially right in the middle. There’s not much I am willing to do that will get rid of the extra 10-20lbs in that area.  I am active, but I also love food.  No complaints.  Part of my feelings of being overweight are from viewing my chest as being extra fat instead of necessarily feminine.

Before starting testosterone:

This month:

My voice is continuing to drop. My singing voice has dropped a lot faster and farther than I expected- as in I am below a tenor.  My speaking voice still has a huge range from near my normal old speaking voice to way below if I try.  An ex pointed something out on the phone today- it was the first time she actually noticed that my voice has dropped because my voice naturally varies a lot during the day and since she heard me quite a bit first thing in the morning for over 3 years, she was used to a more gravely voice on me.  My voice varying a lot during the day would explain how I surprise myself or other people some mornings.

I certainly sweating more than I used to when I am active, and it smells a hell of a lot more than it used to.  Not a plus.

Despite the continued battle with acne and the increase in sweating, I’m still much more comfortable in my body as I recognize it as masculine in the changes I see happening.  I feel like a flower that is finally blooming after being surrounded by an entire garden for years.

Binders Review: Overview

I was on Tumblr yesterday when I spotted this post, as it was reblogged by FuckYeahFTMs.  While I am a big sponsor of being frugal and living cheaply… I wanted to save some guys the expense  if my experience can help them out.

Basically, the Tumblr post brings to light the GC2 Compression Tanks, and how they are sold pretty cheaply (~$20) on eBay.  My experience is in comparison with the Underworks 997 tanks that are more expensive (~$35) but in my opinion very much worth it.

No binding will be comfortable physically but the emotional comfort that can be achieved makes it all worth it.

This goes without saying for all my posts, but I’m going to say it explicitly here because of this post contains a number of pictures of me that I am not exactly comfortable with.  The pictures I have taken of myself are my property, and should not be taken or hotlinked without my consent.  However, feel free to link to this blog post.

To start with: my body type.  I’m not slender, I have extra weight in both muscle and fat.  Average Joe anyone? My cup size pre-transition was between a C and D.  After 3 months on T and ~9 months of binding regularly, they’re less resistant and down at a C cup.  I prefer tank-style binding because it accommodates my broad shoulders (and regardless of where you are pre-T, your shoulders will build up on T).  Psychologically, wearing a bra feels weird, and though I started binding with frog bras… as you will see momentarily it doesn’t do much concealing of my chest.

First: My current binding situation.  I generally double up on Underworks 997’s (size medium) because I don’t like wearing baggy clothes, but prefer to wear tshirts and fitted button-ups.  This is actually pretty comfortable, but I do breathe easier when I go to bed and take the binders off.

Second: When I play sports, I bind with only 1 Underworks tank to lessen any strain on my back to prevent injury.  There is a subtle difference in the binding, but it is apparent in person.

Third: How I used to bind, ish.  I held off on buying the Underworks tanks because they are a significant investment, especially for sir frugal, and in that time I managed to find a reasonably effective method of binding.  I would put on a frog bra, then a very tight 3-4in elastic band held closed with a safety pin and duct tape, and finally a small GC2 compression tank.  This was very uncomfortable, and of course there were instances of the elastic band becoming loose.  Additionally, I couldn’t wear this while playing sports.  I couldn’t get myself to attempt to put that binding setup back on today, but I did put the frog bra on and layered the GC2 tank over it.

Fourth: For shits and giggles, I tried the GC2 tank on without the Frog Bra underneath for direct comparison with the second section of just one underworks tank.

In summary: The GC2 tank is less expensive, but doesn’t really *bind* worth a crap.  It can help minimize the curvature of a chest, as they are designed for people with masculine chests and slightly enlarged breast tissue.  I’m a huge fan of the Underworks 997 tank, and the actual binding and durability has made it well worth the extra money. (no I’m not paid by Underworks nor have I ever received a free binder from them… despite how nice that would be)

Binding… The Good Side.

It’s really easy to get caught up in the dysphoria I have with my chest.  I had to talk myself into playing softball this summer and now I’m so glad I am I can’t even express it.  I get nervous going out some mornings but by the end of the day I’ve accomplished so much that I can’t imagine having wasted the day.  I wish top surgery was past so I could get on with my life without binders, but I did some thinking today about how lucky I am that I am binding… as opposed to the alternative.

I was doing some pondering about last summer and how I managed to stay cool and barely use air conditioning in Missouri, and came to the conclusion that my binders really are making me quite a bit warmer outside (still “vacationing” in Missouri, will return to Minnesota in a few days).  On the flip side, I jarringly remembered how conflicted I was with my chest and how I presented myself.  I spent last summer isolated in the small college town that I got my undergrad from and finally started wearing sports bras all the time. I noticed that this helped me feel a little more comfortable in my skin, so I stuck with it despite how absurd it felt and I looked always wearing a sports bra.

I still had a very visible chest.  I still looked feminine in a way that makes me cringe.  I still was female on the outside and up front.  Without my own consent, my body was presenting myself as a girl, and I was no longer ok with it.  My skin would crawl when I’d look in the mirror if I lingered long enough or didn’t focus enough on another feature.

I enjoyed things like dressing up like a queer frat boy, tinkering with computers, bbq-ing, riding my bike, and taking naps.  I did not enjoy dressing up and trying to look good in a way that I was truly confident in… and it became clear that that was going to become necessary in the near future.

It took me a while to get to where I am with binding.  In the past I used a back brace to bind while doing drag shows.  At first I bound with a frog bra and eventually began to add an elastic band very tightly over the frog bra.  This involved a safety pin, duct tape, and a slick tank top.  Not at all comfortable for any length of time or good activity.  When I finally sprang for the underworks 997’s… I’ve never looked back.  I wear 2 at once every day for well over 14 hours, and wear 1 while working out if it’s anything other than lifting weights at home.  Though I’m still very conscious of my chest, I try to just wear whatever clothes I’d want to post-surgery with the binders and deal with it day by day.  The binders get me close enough to how I see myself that it is invigorating.

While binding is uncomfortable (understatement), the improvement on my life from where it was that I’ve gotten from the ability to mostly hide my chest is staggering (understatement).  I’m so thankful that I can go out and generally ignore my chest- just be myself, masculine.  I can relax with friends.  I can dress up and see myself in the clothes I think I should be wearing, instead of someone else that doesn’t fit who I see myself as.

Binders come off.  There are down sides (itchiness, heat, heartburn, etc).  When the binders are on, the positives far outweigh the negatives.  I see myself with a flat chest, I forget and ignore the way my body fights against me.  I don’t take my binders off until I need to (sleep/shower).  I’m so grateful to be binding.  It feels so much better than the alternative.

(~65 days until surgery)

This Life I Live

In my video updates I mention my milestones- specifically my name change trial and finishing my classes from the first year of grad school.  I like tracking my life in terms of milestones.  There’s something to being able to pick out significant events in your past and look forward to significant events in your future. Especially with the way I live my life- stretched thin in graduate school to the point of occasionally forgetting why I’m putting myself through any of this- it’s nice to be able to put pieces together.

I come out of the closet in high school as a lesbian, eventually ended up being out at work and started a Gay/Straight Alliance at my high school.  I knew that I was pushing the envelope in a time when most of the younger generation wasn’t sure if they should think about GLBT rights for themselves- and it was absolutely worth it.

I graduated from high school and moved on to college with enough in scholarships to make my student loans manageable.  I had worked my ass off in high school to keep straight-A’s in honors classes while working part time at a pizza buffet.  It was only in college that I truly started seeing doors opening for me in so many aspects of my life.

I graduated from college- after surviving several trying years of a difficult chemistry degree.  There were enough times when I wanted to give up, but there were so many times when I realized that I finally had found something I enjoyed learning.  I told myself that for getting through undergraduate I deserved to really choose where I would go next-  I chose graduate school, and from those options I chose the Twin Cities.  I literally made a spreadsheet to pick out the best qualities of my options and decide what was most important.  Real freedom for the first time, my hard work was really paying off.

This last year I’ve been paying pretty dearly in terms of blood sweat and tears to push ahead.  Graduate school has been an excruciating experience- not only have I pushed my mind to new limits in terms of the amount that I can take in, but I’ve pushed my body along with it to keep up with the demands of the program I’m enrolled in.  I don’t want to get kicked out.  On top of the PhD program I’m in, I’m transitioning.  My transition has gone very well, and I know that a lot of that is thanks to the way I live my life- it keeps everything in perspective.  It is such a refreshing feeling to finally be able to revel in my own life and really own my present self.

After pushing myself this grueling year, I’ve made a pretty strong decision.  In 22 hours my final 2 papers are due for my classes.  If I’ve passed all of my classes, my research advisor doesn’t kick me out of the group, and my teaching reviews come back even relatively as good as last time- I am having top surgery in August.

I’ve been planning to have top surgery in August so far.  I plan things to prepare myself, and to keep my life in order.  This decision is a rain or shine, come hell or high water, it will happen damnit sort of thing.

I’m so sick of binding.  I’m so sick of knowing I can’t take my shirt off.  I’m sick of feeling inhibited by my chest.  It’s not right.  This isn’t what it’s supposed to look like.  My clothes shouldn’t fit this way.  I want to be able to get dressed without the “can I hide my chest” factor.  I want to be able to go swimming.  I want to have MY chest.  This isn’t it.

I’m having top surgery in August, should I survive this year.

/rant

TSA Whole Body Scanners

National Center for Transgender Equality’s Information Packet from June 2009

Yes, as a trans person the thought of someone seeing through my clothes, my gender presentation, and directly down to the body that I don’t identify with makes me want to hide behind a lead planter.   However, I can’t wait for these scanners to hit airports!

The presence of the full body scanners means less person-to-person searches, which are a much bigger risk for harassment, outing, and an all-around difficult thing for a transperson to navigate.  You are directly searched by someone of your legal gender, and if that doesn’t suit your comfort, tough.

The concern over a person being outed as transgender by these scanners is valid. However, the risk of being outed by someone searching you directly is a more dangerous situation (isolated to a separate room) in comparison to someone noticing anything abnormal on an anonymous person.  If that agent is enough of an asshole to find it pertinent to share with his fellow agent by radio that the person in question is transgender- I’m really damn glad they’re not going to be doing a direct search on me.  People that are disgusted or scared by transpeople (and other minorities) exist, and do work for the TSA.  The best we can do is minimize their power to marginalize our genders while still ensuring that we are stopping criminals with materials designed to hijack a plane.

While we are feeling the invasion of the gender that we fight so hard for, let’s not forget what we’re actually up against.  Time and time again, the security measures at the airport have failed to notice passengers with bombs that terrorize the skies.  Everyone has to give up some privacy to fly.  The cancer survivor with a mastectomy, the man with a prosthetic leg, and the child that wears a back brace will all be seen.

You decide your level of comfort. Ask what your options are if you are in a situation that makes you uncomfortable.  Don’t be silent when the time comes for you to speak up. Only you can be your voice.

Review: Underworks 997

Comfortable. That is very much the first thing that comes to mind. Perhaps it is the sizing, where the medium could be a little tighter but honestly probably wouldn’t do much more binding, otherwise it is just the structure of the tank.
My binding regime is now streamlined from a frog bra, elastic band with safety pin, and gc2 tank to just the 997. This has 2 huge benefits- I can get dressed a lot faster than before and I’m not getting hot inside as often.

The tank is double-layered in the front and single in the back, very streamlining.  The armholes are cut fairly high, but they’re not uncomfortable for my wide shoulders. Even at 5 foot, I’m a big boy- I was probably ~C to D chest.

For sure worth the $30, and Underworks’ exchange policy is excellent for sizing issues.

Two pics, for comparison (and to brag):

 

 

Edit, to update for the year I ended up wearing binders before top surgery:

The Underworks 997 remained my binder of choice, but as my body changed on testosterone I ended up wearing 2 binders at a time for best appearance.  Every few days I would hand wash the 2 binders at night before bed, leaving them to air dry overnight.  Ace bandages and back braces caused me a lot of trouble for binding, so I can’t emphasize enough how helpful the underworks 997 was.  They’re not always as available, so don’t be afraid to shake up your regional trans* network to see if anyone has extra binders following surgery.  (All 3 of mine found new homes within 1 month of surgery)