Shifting Frames of Reference

I’ve had a couple interesting experiences this weekend that I thought I’d share.

I made it my goal to pick myself up out of my slump this weekend so that when I travel to St.Louis I can at least not be a pathetic mess.  I put in the very last bit of emotional effort I had left with the girl I had been dating, trying to pull us back together.  I’ve realized that I can’t do all the fighting and that I have been not taking care of myself at all as a result of the heartbreak.  I didn’t notice that I wasn’t eating much until I nearly passed out in my research boss’ office, I didn’t notice that I haven’t been sleeping well until I physically could not lift myself out of bed after a 90min nap Friday, and I didn’t notice how long all this has been going on until I played softball abysmally today.

Fortunately, it’s the weekend of a GLBT softball tournament in the cities, so many teams from around the country have converged on my lovely hometown(s) for the memorial day weekend.  This means that Friday night there was a big party downtown and Saturday/Sunday there are plenty of games for me to immerse myself in.

I took a friend (female, lesbian) with me to the opening party on Friday night- we figured it would be nice to chill and have a night out.  When I was pre-T or even a few weeks on T, people would think that we were a couple… all the time.  We accidentally cock-blocked each other, and it was pretty sad.  She’s very sporty and while I think the idea of us as a couple is absolutely ridiculous (she’s awesome, just not my type and vice versa), everyone we would meet asked if we were together.  Even when we were standing on opposite sides of the pool table from each other.  At any rate, this time out was different.  The party was predominantly male, and I was quite often read (/checked out) as a guy.  Several times people felt me up to see what I had going on (while flattering, I got tired of it).  Wrong team guys, sorry.  Needless to say, the friend and I went for Taco Bell and to a more lesbian bar for dancing and a few games of pool.

I don’t intend to deceive anyone with my gender change.  I am who I am, and if you ask me anything about myself, I’m generally not only honest but very blunt about it.  That said, meeting a group of guys from the out-of-town team I’m playing for and not telling them that I’m trans has been nice.  I would be seriously surprised if they haven’t noticed something is up, but it’s just not an issue.  I am literally one of the guys, intense high-fives, butt slaps, and hollering in all. It is unfortunate that I’m so run down that I played abysmally today, but it was still a ton of fun.

I did come out to my team in one regard- one of the players, though I don’t know who, is apparently a straight guy.  Some of the guys were talking about this, and one went “wait, who’s straight?” and since we’re all laying in the grass between games, I raise my hand.  A couple quick glances, and the conversation continues.  I thought about trying to explain that I’m not really straight, I’m just a guy that’s attracted to women and lived as a female for 20-something years and has a vagina, but I really just want to play softball.

Passing more from the effects of T has really shifted my world. I’m finally getting used to assuming that I pass. I’m going to enjoy the rest of the weekend, go to bed early and play some good ball.

Unrelated: trimmed my hair before my trip to St.Louis and my new glasses.