This Life I Live

In my video updates I mention my milestones- specifically my name change trial and finishing my classes from the first year of grad school.  I like tracking my life in terms of milestones.  There’s something to being able to pick out significant events in your past and look forward to significant events in your future. Especially with the way I live my life- stretched thin in graduate school to the point of occasionally forgetting why I’m putting myself through any of this- it’s nice to be able to put pieces together.

I come out of the closet in high school as a lesbian, eventually ended up being out at work and started a Gay/Straight Alliance at my high school.  I knew that I was pushing the envelope in a time when most of the younger generation wasn’t sure if they should think about GLBT rights for themselves- and it was absolutely worth it.

I graduated from high school and moved on to college with enough in scholarships to make my student loans manageable.  I had worked my ass off in high school to keep straight-A’s in honors classes while working part time at a pizza buffet.  It was only in college that I truly started seeing doors opening for me in so many aspects of my life.

I graduated from college- after surviving several trying years of a difficult chemistry degree.  There were enough times when I wanted to give up, but there were so many times when I realized that I finally had found something I enjoyed learning.  I told myself that for getting through undergraduate I deserved to really choose where I would go next-  I chose graduate school, and from those options I chose the Twin Cities.  I literally made a spreadsheet to pick out the best qualities of my options and decide what was most important.  Real freedom for the first time, my hard work was really paying off.

This last year I’ve been paying pretty dearly in terms of blood sweat and tears to push ahead.  Graduate school has been an excruciating experience- not only have I pushed my mind to new limits in terms of the amount that I can take in, but I’ve pushed my body along with it to keep up with the demands of the program I’m enrolled in.  I don’t want to get kicked out.  On top of the PhD program I’m in, I’m transitioning.  My transition has gone very well, and I know that a lot of that is thanks to the way I live my life- it keeps everything in perspective.  It is such a refreshing feeling to finally be able to revel in my own life and really own my present self.

After pushing myself this grueling year, I’ve made a pretty strong decision.  In 22 hours my final 2 papers are due for my classes.  If I’ve passed all of my classes, my research advisor doesn’t kick me out of the group, and my teaching reviews come back even relatively as good as last time- I am having top surgery in August.

I’ve been planning to have top surgery in August so far.  I plan things to prepare myself, and to keep my life in order.  This decision is a rain or shine, come hell or high water, it will happen damnit sort of thing.

I’m so sick of binding.  I’m so sick of knowing I can’t take my shirt off.  I’m sick of feeling inhibited by my chest.  It’s not right.  This isn’t what it’s supposed to look like.  My clothes shouldn’t fit this way.  I want to be able to get dressed without the “can I hide my chest” factor.  I want to be able to go swimming.  I want to have MY chest.  This isn’t it.

I’m having top surgery in August, should I survive this year.

/rant