Optimism and Positivity

I’m an optimist. I’m an optimist until it hurts.  and then some.

At any rate, I’m also generally pretty positive- when things go downhill I try to stay facing up.  I could find the silver lining in the cloud of soot above a coal-fueled power plant.  Even if the glass isn’t half full, I’m just glad if it has something in it.

What’s awesome in my life right now?

• I get a lot of support at work.  Between my group members, the secretaries that know *who* I am, and the nearly-random people that are also in the department, I get a lot of encouragement.  It makes it a lot easier to think that you can do something when there’s even one person rooting for you.  When its pretty much your whole department… you don’t just think you can do it, you know you can do it.
• The changes to my body from working out and being on T for over 2 months means that I am easily strong enough to make the throw from shortstop to first base… which means I’ve essentially been promoted.  Rock on.  I love the infield.
• Name change stuff is really coming together.  I have new checks, my credit card bill came for Drew, and my debit card came in the mail last weekend.  It’s so queer… I love it.
• When I went to the SSA office, the teller asked for a letter from my surgeons to change my gender marker.  I calmly told her that what’s in my pants is no one else’s business.  The look on her face still makes me smile. (I have to go back and change my gender marker once I get my new birth certificate)
• No period. At all.  Definitely should have had one if I was going to… I approve.
• I ordered new glasses.  They’re super hot and nerdtastic.  I’ll have them by Monday.
• I don’t notice my voice change much anymore, but people still remark how it’s continuing to drop.  Makes me look forward to teaching even more!

When Did This Happen?

I turned around, and realized that I’ve grown up into a man. I’m young and relatively inexperienced, but I’ve grown so much I can’t help but wonder when on earth it happened.

I started graduate school last August, and my life was a mess in an instant. My long-term girlfriend and I broke up- I had hoped we would be getting married in the foreseeable future. The pressures of grad school made ignoring gender identity problems impossible and I started to transition from female to male. I had few friends locally, and I felt truly isolated. So, I stood up on my own 2 feet.

Something happened… my sense of worth is so unrelated to any one thing, how much certain people like me, what awards I win, or the stuff I have. I’m impressed that I’ve survived. I’m happy that I enjoy the little things. I’m content that I’ve made this life my own.

I passed all of my classes, but the class I was that was taught by my research advisor didn’t go very well. If that wasn’t enough to have her severely disappointed in me, my research has been going abysmally. I went to grad school because I love doing research- the fact that my advisor is terrified that I’m failing to do my job because of my research is just short of devastating. I’m pushing forward. I didn’t just pass all those classes to give up.
I’m nervous about my finances for top surgery. I’d really like to use the better surgeon, but his policy of not dealing with insurance makes it much more difficult. Do I not already have enough on my plate?

The night of the final day of finals week, the person that I was dating told me that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be dating me (after an ex that had come back into the picture). Yeah, that’s how I celebrated finishing my graduate coursework. I know I said I was going to take some mental health days… safe to say that didn’t happen. For the last few days I had been fighting tooth and nail with the world to keep us together, and it came down to having to completely separate so that she can decide if I’m the one she wants.

Yeah, that sucks big time. Am I sad because I’m crazy about her? Yeah. Am I hurt as a result of the things I’ve found out and the waffling on a relationship that I was all in on? Yeah. Do I feel like I’m a failure as a person because another relationship has gone downhill or because someone that hurt her in the past is at least as desirable as me? No, not really. I am who I want to be.

There’s a lot going on in my life right now.  I’m having to stunt my reactions to some things to handle the others.  I’m making sure that I get my research done, but I’m not letting myself feel how much it sucks to watch the girl of my dreams walk away.  I want her to be happy so badly that I can’t tell her that she should stay with me- it has to be all her own doing.  That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t kill me to let her go.

When I consider my response to how my life fell apart last year to everything that has been happening for the last week- I know, without a doubt, that I’ve grown up. I can act instead of react and hold myself up instead of breaking down.  I see beyond today, to tomorrow.

Here’s to a brighter tomorrow.  Or next week.  Maybe not till July, but it can only get better from here.