Video: 16 Weeks on T

Top Surgery Freakout (#1)

I am about 40 days out from when I would like to have surgery. I might have a chance again in early December, I might have a chance again in Spring 2011. Those are only chances. I’m starting to get nervous that I won’t be able to get my shit together in time for August.

Two weeks before the surgery date the entire surgeons fee must be paid in full. I’m planning on paying this by medical loan while I wait for partial reimbursement by my health insurance company. I need to have the cash on hand for the portion that I won’t be reimbursed by so I don’t have to get a loan for that portion and get hit with more financing costs. I just don’t make enough in a year to make ends meet and clean up a financial disaster. This has to stay clean.

I’ve been really uncomfortable with my chest lately. Being outside at Pride was fantastic except that there were tons of guys without their shirts on and it made me cringe to think about as I itched under my binders. Between being so much closer to the physical being that I know I am in terms of a lower voice and other effects from the testosterone, part of the testosterone is making my emotions bigger- including the dysphoria. I feel stronger anxiety when I worry about my chest. I hate my chest even more when I get out of the shower. I have even more trouble looking down without my binders on.

I don’t even bother talking myself into taking my binders off most nights. I don’t exactly feel super snuggly with them on, but when you’re sleeping by yourself all that matters is that when you wake up your first feeling of the day isn’t overwhelming dysphoria. Sleeping in my binders has actually made getting up and going every morning a lot easier to bear on an emotional level. Unfortunately my binders conformed to my pre-T body, and as my torso changes with the effects of testosterone the binders are beginning to rub against my ribs.

As much as I’m looking forward to surgery, I know that it would be a good idea for me to trim my hair short to make it easier to keep clean after the surgery… but I love my hair now.  Sort of dreading cutting it at this point.  I guess it’s a decision I’ll have to make when the time comes.

I haven’t had time to work out as much lately. Playing softball is fantastically social, which I’ve found that I need more than the more intense physical activity of working out on my own, but it’s not the same as the workouts I was doing before. I am honestly happy with the fitness of my body now, going into surgery and getting results that I am comfortable with- however I get nervous that I will loose this progress between now and surgery. As long as I can keep running regularly for the next 40 days, I should be able to maintain myself. Just as long as work doesn’t get to crazy, I can keep it up.

This week I’ve made it my goal to get my shit together for surgery. I know that I’m not going to be able to get everything taken care of, but I’m going to simplify my life and get the ball rolling again. Name change stuff is pretty much taken care of, so I’m going to put aside stressing about making sure that it’s all ok and just move on. My IDs are changed, my health insurance is finally changed, and my plane tickets for the end of July are under Drew. I’m done with my name change until something actually comes up, to do lists are being taken down and I’m going to let myself just live my life.

I know that there are plenty of things that I won’t be able to absolutely plan for a few more weeks at least. I’m going to try to let those things go, and not let them fester in the back of my mind quite so much.  Staying positive and moving forward has gotten me through so much, I don’t doubt it’s ability to work now.

Step one: Enjoy today.  Do things that make me happy.  Work towards a good future.  Smile.

While having coffee with a friend earlier today, we were laughing about the dramedy of our lives and she was telling me how a cismale that is on our softball team asked another guy if “that Drew guy is gay, because he sort of acts gay.”  The other guy gave a great answer and explained that I’m straight but only because I’m so queer.  (I love it when people are ok disclosing that I’m transgender, there’s no need for it to be a secret) As my friend and I laughed about how simple my rather complicated situation is, I quipped:

I may be straight, but my vagina is a lesbian.

Sorry you nearly choked on your coffee, friend.