Top surgery is a change that I’ve known that I’ve wanted for years, beyond the transition, beyond the gender crisis, beyond my realization that I have to own my own life. Top surgery is tenatively around August 9th- or 51 days from now. Unfortunately, life is going to be a hell of a rocky road between now and then, and I’m having trouble keeping my head up. So I’m breaking down exactly what there is coming up and what I should be doing- goals and obstacles that I can handle one at a time.
- I’ve got to get my good workouts back. Taking a vacation right after getting hurt at a softball tournament destroyed my momentum, and I’ve been feeling a little sedentary. Yes, I have 3 nights of softball a week, but it isn’t quite a lifting routine or running >2 miles. Being in good shape for surgery is going to improve the results, plain and simple. Far beyond that is how much better I feel emotionally when I’m working out regularly.
- Pride is next weekend! I am excited, for serious. It’s going to be a little different than I originally was hoping for (pride weekend with a girlfriend vs. being single) but this is my first pride in the Twin Cities and my first pride out as a transman.
- I’m teaching now, twice a week for 3-4 hours at a time. This adds lesson prep and grading to my life, but it also adds a break in the monotony of sitting at my desk and a chance to have fun doing something that I love. The summer session runs right up until the week before when I will have surgery, so I’m in for 50 days of laughing, star stickers, frustration, and learning.
- Two of my good friends will be gone for the entire month July. This is making me pretty nervous especially with how I’m also nervous that I’ll be lonely following surgery. I’m pretty much going to have to accept that I’m going to be a little isolated for a while and take comfort in the activities that I have and the people around me that I’m not close to. Maybe unexpected friends will come of this, maybe I’ll find more internal strength, maybe July won’t be as long as it looks.
- I am going on a week-long trip in the end of July for a course in actinide chemistry. It’s going to be a great experience for both learning and networking, but getting set up for that trip has been a bit awkward as they have to run a background check and my SSN is still listed as a female.
- Every day the chest dysphoria seems to get worse. I hear myself but when I see myself there is a lot of conflict. I got stuck getting my binders off last week, which was a very frustrating moment.
- There’s a lot of research to get done through June and July. I’m getting a little nervous about having enough done before my surgery- but here’s the confusing part- I KNOW that I’m determined enough to just get through it. I know that I have a good project and when this circus-type hoopla gets sorted out I should be able to power forward. I’m concerned I’m going to let the rest of life get in the way.
- There is still a lot to do specifically FOR surgery. My therapists are sending their letter to the surgeon, who then passes all the paperwork along to the insurance company, who get to decide my fate and probably try to screw me over. I need to check on their cap for coverage at the hospital they claim to cover and make sure I wouldn’t just be better off going to the surgical center that the surgeon prefers even though it’s off network. Once the insurance is approved, the date will be set and I can start getting plane tickets and letting people know. I also have to apply for a loan to be able to cover the total cost 2 weeks ahead of time (BEFORE I go on my trip in July).
- Beyond the stress and pain I’ve had from the strained family relationships resulting from disagreement about my choice to transition now and my transition being used as the excuse for cheating and bailing out of an otherwise good romantic relationship, surgery will be a very liberating thing. At the moment, I also see it a bit as a barrier to life. I’d like to be able to see straight through to my written exam and oral defense. I’d like to be dating again without worrying that my surgery will be used against me again. I’d like to not fear new friendships as I’ll immediately be a burden to them. How to get past seeing surgery as a restrictive barrier instead of liberating milestone? I don’t really have a shit clue. I’m just going to keep approaching it and when the moment arrives, I know it’s going to be one of the best moments of my life.
July is going to be excruciatingly long, but August will be the month that I’ve waited forever for. I feel a little like I’m stuck in limbo right now, so I guess I need to tuck my head down and power through.
Oddball Orbital Transformation: FTM 